A Life Half Lived
by genevra
Summary: .I don't look sick. I am sick. Complete.
1. Prologue

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Please don't worry, I'm still working on 'Intertwined'. I will see that one through to end. This is just a very short first chapter but it will definitely get longer. This story may not end happily but I'm not apologizing for that. I hope you like it anyway. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh.

**Prologue- The Future.**

"_Sweetie, are you alright?" You look kind of sick."_

"_Kirsten, I don't look sick. I am sick."_

"_It's just the nausea, the morning sickness. We'll go outside where you can get some fresh air. You'll see, Summer, it will pass."_

"_No, Kirsten. It won't."_

Summer Cohen sits on the back step of her Newport, California home wearing a pair of white shorts and an oversized gray jumper that belongs to her husband and she cries. She holds a white mug in her hand, which is rescued by another pair of hands before it can fall to the ground and smash into millions of tiny broken-up shards of white. The hands fall to her head and they run their fingers through her hair, which smells of watermelon and papaya.

"It'll be okay," the voice whispers, sitting down next to her. Her head is gently pulled onto the persons shoulder. "I promise you that somehow, this will be okay."

"I just don't know if it can be," Summer says, her voice breaking. "I don't know how I can get over this. I don't know how we can get through this."

"Look at me," Kirsten commands. She puts an arm around her daughter in-law and leans forward to look at her. "You may not beat this but we will get through this. All of us. We will be the whole way, Summer. I promise you. Because that's what we do in our family. We help each other through."

"I guess," Summer says, as she starts crying again. She leans her head back on Kirsten's shoulder and in a broken, hoarse voice, she whispers, "How do I tell him?"

"We'll figure it out. And when we do, it'll be okay. You won't have to keep it a secret anymore, and you'll feel better."

"I guess," Summer agrees. She sits up and bravely inhales. She blinks back the tears and holds in her sobs.

"Don't be brave for me," Kirsten says, the trace of a smile in her voice. The smile drops and Summer can hear the grief in her voice. "You've kept this a secret for so long. cry, Summer. As much as you need to, cry. I'll be here. And I'll cry too."

Summer nods and let's herself be held and comforted by the woman who loves her most. She sits and together, as they look out at the beautiful, blue-green ocean on a verandah framed by bougainvillea and hibiscus, in a setting that makes most people breathless from beauty, they cry.


	2. The Art of the Smashed Glass

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** This chapter basically goes back to the very beginning before anything in the last chapter happened. For those of you who are wondering, this is a S/S story. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Important/Setting: **In case you don't understand the significance of the quote, without giving too much away it works on two levels as this is goes back to Season Two with major changes, of course and it's talking about learning something.

**Chapter One**: The Art of the Smashed Glass

_"Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. When you read you begin with... ABC."_ The Sound Of Music. 1965.

"Seth, honey," Kirsten's voice resonated across the phone. "It's Mum. You should get here quick. It's Summer."

"Is it the baby?" Seth asked, the worry evident in his voice. The pause on the other end worried him to. His mother wasn't much for dramatic pauses. Neither was his father for that matter. They left that to the Atwood's who were all good at conveying things with a look or with a silence. Marissa had taken awhile to learn, but she had eventually gotten it. His thoughts ran away with him and it was another moment before he realized his mother still hadn't spoken. "Mum?"

"Seth, it's not the baby," Kirsten said, a sob in her voice. "She's sick. You need to come home."

Kirsten broke into a sob and dropped the phone on the floor. There was a resounding crash before it was picked up again.

"Son, come home," his father said. "Now."

The phone was dropped into the receiver on his father's end but Seth stood still and held the phone in his hand. Someone shouted an order into the kitchen and he fumbled to turn back to his job when he heard a smash on the floor. He looked down at the heap of broken glass and twisted blooms of purple, green and white. The vase. Someone said something else and he felt his shoulder being tapped. He turned to face the assailant and when he saw the bright, sharp blue of their eyes, he knew.

"I came to get you," his brother said.

He nodded briefly and turned on his heel, his trendy but comfortable bowling shoes crunching the glass under his feet. That was sound was familiar to him.

_"Ducky," was all Seth heard. His ex-girlfriend, his ex-life, walking away from him was all he saw. He didn't hear the pleading in Summer's voice, or the pleading in her eyes. He didn't see Zach grab her hand or see Summer try to wrench away from him. he didn't hear her pleading with him to let her go. What he saw was her denying him any chance of forgiveness or any chance they would ever get back together._

_He staggered towards the nearest bench and slumped down and watched the people swarm around him until he could have a clear head._

"_Didn't work?" Alex asked. Seth shook his head and absentmindedly grabbed a broom and started to sweep up around his new boss. "Wow. it must have turned out really bad. You're actually working."_

"_Alex," he started but then stopped. She came around and stood in front of him and smiled in that way she had. She placed her hand on his forehead._

"_You feel a little warm," she said. "Let me kiss you better."_

_She leaned forward and shocked, Seth let him kiss her but after a moment he stepped away._

"_I'm sorry. I can't," he said. "I'm sorry."_

"_Relax, Seth. It's just a kiss," she said. He was obviously nervous so she repeated it. "Just a kiss. Doesn't mean anything."_

"_Try telling that to Summer," Seth spat._

"_Making the girl jealous isn't your style?" she asked, her eyebrow raised._

"_Not exactly. Alex, the truth is I don't know much about women at all," he said and then wished he hadn't admitted it._

"_A-huh!" she said, in triumph. "Well, you've come to the right place. Let me give you a lesson in 'How to Get Your Girl. 101."_

"_Ok, umm. So maybe, when I said I didn't know much I just figured out that you would, you know, realize I was joking," Seth deadpanned._

"_Right," Alex said. "Bad joke, Seth."_

"_Well, I thought it was funny," Seth jeered. They silently worked side by side for a moment. "Don't you think that Zach is like, perfect?"_

"_I guess from the outside he seems perfect," she said. "I get a feeling he'll slip up sooner or later but."_

_Seth was silent as eh thought about it. he could barely hear Alex talking, he was too busy replaying Summer's retreating form in his mind._

"_I'm sorry, what did you say?" he asked, when Alex whacked him with a tea towel._

_"I said, that's when you make your move," she said. "Seth, are you all right?"_

_"Alex, I have to go," he said. He turned on his heel and knocked a glass off the counter in his desperate attempt to get his girl. Alex complained that now she was stuck with cleaning up the glass but when he ran off, his trendy but comfortable bowling shoes crunching the glass under his feet, she realized something must be up._

Ryan sped through the back streets in an attempt to get his 'brother' and best-friend home as quickly as possible.

"Do you have any idea what's going on?" Seth asked. His face had paled and he swallowed every few words. Ryan could tell he was trying to keep his tone even and calm.

"No, I have no idea," Ryan answered, as he expertly changed lanes. "Marissa called me from your house and asked me to come and pick you up. She said something was up with Summer but she didn't want to tell me over the phone."

"Do you think it has to do with the baby?" Seth asked, his eyes open wide. All pretenses of calm and placid were gone and Seth was finally showing how worried he was.

"No, man," Ryan answered. "If it had to with the baby, they'd have said something."

"That only scares me more," Seth said. He turned slightly in his seat and looked out the window. There had been dark clouds in the sky this morning and they had suddenly started to dissipate and large, fat raindrops were dripping down and smashing against the windscreen.

"I know," Ryan said.

"Know what?" Seth asked, blinking. He thought he was lost and alone in his thoughts.

"Exactly what you're thinking," Ryan said.

_"Summer!" Seth called. He ran out into the carpark and saw no one so he ran around the pier. She stood at the end, drenched in the rain that had just started to fall._

_She looked at him and started crying._

_"What happened to you?" he asked. He wondered later how any other joking words had escaped him at that time. That was what a Summer in need did to him. he completely lost who he was supposed to be and became what he needed her to be. She looked at him and shook her head but made her way to him._

_her shirt was torn and exposed her stomach. He gently did her buttons up and then helped her to a vacant bench. The pier was empty as it normally was late at night when the sky was pouring rain. He helped her to the bench and took stock of her injuries. Her lip was dripping watery blood from where she'd bitten it. the makings of bruises appeared on her chest and her cheek from where she'd later say she'd fallen. She cried and looked at him expectantly but unsure of what to do, Seth simply pushed the dripping hair back from her face and pulled her head to his chest where she collapsed and cried._

_"He wanted to sleep with me," she said. "But all I could think of was you and I couldn't do it."_

_"Did he…" his voice broke and he swallowed, choking back the emotion before he spoke. "Did he do this to you?"_

_"Yes," she said. She huddled closer to him. "I feel so stupid. I was only with him because I was angry at you and now, look at me."_

_Her voice was rising to a fever pitch and she was nearly in hysterics so he hushed her._

_"Shh, shh," he said. "It's okay. You're alright now. I've got you and I'm not going to let you go."_

"You're thinking about that night," Ryan said.

"She needed me so much," Seth said. "And the thing is, if I had of been watching, I could have prevented it."

"Maybe it's better you didn't," Ryan said. "It's bad but she needed something to convince him that Zach wasn't perfect."

"What if… What if this is something I could have prevented but I was to busy with work or something to stop it?" Seth asked. He and Alex had gone into partnership after he finished college and had bought out the Bait Shop and turned it into the hottest place in basically the entire state.

"I don't think it's something any of us could have stopped," Ryan stated simply. "But like we always have, we'll help you two. Marissa and I, and your family. We'll be there until the end."

"Because that's what friends do?" Seth asked, a slight hint of sarcasm visible in his voice.

"Because it's what family does," Ryan corrected him as he pulled into the Cohen's sprawling Newport mansion.

_"Ryan? It's Seth. I need help. It's Summer," Seth said into the phone. He heard Ryan talking and then a female voice came on the line._

_"Where are you?" Marissa asked. "Is she okay?"_

_"We're at the Pier. And, I think she's going to be okay," Seth said. "I'll see you soon."_

_He turned to Summer and helped her stand up._

_"Marissa and Ryan are on their way. Do you think you can make it to the carpark?" he asked, supporting her._

_"I think so," she nodded weakly. "What are they doing together? I thought they broke up."_

_Seth simply looked at her and she laughed lightly._

_"Oh, right. The drama twins," she twinkled. "What was I thinking?"_

_"That's my girl," Seth intoned. "Always saying the right thing."_

_"Seth," she said, as they trudged slowly along. "I'm sorry."_

_"For what?" he asked._

_"For everything," she said. They made it to the carpark and stood waiting for Marissa and Ryan to pick them up and save them from the driving rain. "For not giving you a chance and for flaunting my relationship with Zach. I'm sorry for everything."_

_She started to cry again and he tried to comfort her._

_"It's okay. It's all irrelevant now. I mean, what I did to you was horrible. If anyone should be sorry, it's me," he said. "And I am sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through everything."_

_Summer started crying again and as she stepped back to kiss Seth, her footing slipped and she crashed to the ground where she curled up in the fetal position and began to cry again. Seth leant down to see her but he heard the whoosh of the Rover's tires on wet ground and saw the beams of his mother's car splayed across the wet and shiny road so he stood up to wave at the approaching car. Ryan swerved the car to a stop and he and Marissa jumped out of the car. Marissa immediately crawled over to Summer and she looked up at Ryan and Seth who were looking worriedly on._

_"Who did this to you?" Marissa demanded as she leant over her best friend._

_"Zach," Summer whispered._

_"Did he rape you?" Marissa asked, quieter._

_"No," Summer whimpered. "He tried."_

_"I'm going to kill him," Ryan said. He looked furious and because he felt the same way, Seth knew he truly would kill Zach if they found him._

_Marissa asked Summer a few more questions but Summer became too hysterical to respond in anything but sobs._

_"We need to get her home. Out of the rain," she said. "She's in shock. Can you pick her up?"_

_Ryan nodded and rolled his sleeves up._

_"Summer," he said. She nodded up at him. "I'm going to pick you up and put you in the car. We're going to take you to the Cohen's and get you cleaned up. Okay?"_

_She nodded slightly and tried to talk but her throat was hoarse from the crying. One thing was legible._

_"Don't kill him," she pleaded, as she was placed in the car and her head was rested on Seth's lap. "I want to do it myself."_

Ryan looked at Seth for a long time before he stopped the car.

"You ready to go in?" he asked.

"What if it's something I can't help her with?" Seth asked.

"Seth," Ryan said. "I hate to sound like I'm preaching but you and Summer have always gotten through everything. I think you're going to be okay. You don't even know what's wrong yet."

Seth was not convinced.

"Seth, do you love the girl?" Ryan asked.

_"I'm going to get you some water," Seth had said after Summer's wounds had been cleansed and fixed by Kirsten and surprisingly Julie who had had a change of heart. She had been taken to the shower and was now lying across Seth's bed outfitted in some of Kirsten's old clothes._

_"No. please, Seth. Don't leave me," she had pleaded. She moved over slightly and he crawled onto the bed, like a lamb going to slaughter. The lion roared and the lamb obeyed. She curled reflexively into him and they lay, staring at each other in the dark._

_"I'm never going to leave you."_

"Yes, I love her," Seth said as if it was the most obvious thing, which indeed it was. "More than anything."

"Then it's going to be okay."

Seth and Ryan got out of the car and walked towards the front door of the house. Seth heard a glass fall to the ground and smash into a million, crystal pieces. He sighed. Whenever something happened to Summer, another glass smashed to the ground and lay their in a shiny pile to be admired until Seth ruined them by trudging over them in his trendy but comfortable bowling shoes as he rushed to get to her. It didn't matter. Nothing else but her mattered when it came to the well-being of his wife.

She truly was a lesson in the art of smashed glass.


	3. About a Girl

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Thanks SO, SO much for the support and feedback. I think that 23 reviews for only two chapters is more than I've ever had before and all of them were positive, so thanks. You O.C reviewers are AWESOME! I can't promise anything in the way of happy or sad endings, we're both in this together, I have no idea what's going to happen yet but I have one advantage: I'll know half an hour before you do. I promise not to spoil it! Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Nefftys:** I'm sorry to hear that. I can't promise anything but I'll at least put some light-hearted moments in for you. That okay?

**Prix:** You again? Oh, boy. ; )

**J and paige fan**: You'll just have to wait, lol.

**Mrs.AdamBrody:** Not a bad idea and even though I considered it, there are reasons why that couldn't happen. You'll just have to wait and see why later.

**Summer-breeze171 and kursk**: Oh, another two Zach haters? Well, we'll see what we can do about that. I can't stand him. something about him rubs the wrong way oh and: Summer and Seth are so meant to be!

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Two:** About a Girl

_"Summer, would you please sit down for two seconds?" Seth asked, a laugh in his voice._

_"I can't," she said, pacing around the room._

_"You're making me nervous. You're making the coffee nervous," he tried again._

_"Cohen," Summer said. "This is the rest of our loves. How can you be sitting so still? And how can you be so quiet?"_

_"I think you're moving enough and making enough noise for the both of us," he deadpanned._

_"You aren't even making jokes," she shrieked._

_"Yes, and I can really see why that would upset you," he said._

_"Because it means that you're okay with this. You can handle it" she says. "And it doesn't upset me, it scares me."_

_"Funny, because you're scaring me."_

"Where is she?" Seth asked as he entered the house.

"Seth. I need you to calm down," his mother said. She had just walked from the area of the kitchen and had a tea towel with her.

"If you've been cooking, Kirsten, I don't see how we can be," Ryan said lightly. He walked over and kissed his adopted mother on the cheek.

"How can you do that?" Seth spat.

"Do what?" Kirsten asked as she and Ryan looked innocently at him.

"Make jokes at times like this," he said.

"If that isn't the pot calling the kettle back," Sandy said, coming into the room.

"Well, maybe I wish the pot was a little less black," he said. "Now, if you don't mind, could you please tell me where my wife is?"

"Your room. With Marissa," Kirsten offered. She brushed a hand across his chin and then took his hand. "She's okay."

Seth nodded and smiled slightly at his parents before making his way to the foot of the stairs.

"Mum, I really hope you haven't been cooking," he said, turning around slightly. She smiled at his joke and then the three stood and watched his retreating form. Ryan looked at his adopted parents expectantly.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Come into the kitchen," Sandy said finally.

_"So," Seth asked._

_"So, what?" Summer said in her agitated voice. Seth sucked in his breath and steeled himself._

_"Good news or bad news?" he asked._

_"I don't know," she said, finally. "I couldn't do it."_

_They were silent._

_"Can you do it?" she asked finally. He nods and takes her hand. He opens it gently and looks into it._

_"Pink," he said._

_She looked up at him and for a moment he couldn't read her expression but then she broke into a big, toothy smile._

_"We're happy right?" she asked, unable to keep her smile off._

_"Happy?" Seth asked. He leaned forward and kissed his wife hard on the lips. She jumped into his arms and he spun her around in a circle. "We're thrilled."_

Seth waited and stood outside the door for a moment. He listened to the voices behind the door but they were talking so quietly all he could make out was the lower pitch of Marissa's lilting voice and Summer's higher pitched one. He inhaled and then quickly blew the breath out before lifting his hand to the door and knocking quickly. The voices stopped abruptly and he heard the ruffling of sheets and footsteps on the wooden floorboards. The door opened and Marissa stuck her head out.

"Hey," she said, opening the door fully and stepping back. She pecked him on the cheek and looked at Summer. Her eyes were red and she had mascara running down her cheeks.

"You really should invest in waterproof mascara if you're going to cry," Seth said. His voice was pure and toneless and his face expressionless. Marissa didn't cry anymore. Something serious was up.

"Noted," she said trying to keep her voice light and borrowing what had become one of Summer's catchphrases. She turned back to Summer. "I'll see you."

"Bye, Coop," Summer said softly. She refused to stop calling her best friend that even though she had been Marissa Atwood for four years now.

Seth took a step inside the room and took a look at his wife. She was nestled into the covers and sheets of their queen-sized bed. Her made out the curves of her five-month pregnant belly and he closed his eyes. Her image was pressed into his brain. She looked tiny and exhausted. Her hair was messy, as if she'd just woken up, and it was obvious she'd been crying. She was pale but her eyes were black and she had bags.

"You look horrible," Seth said, taking another step closer to the bed. She looked so fragile and he was scared he'd break her if he touched her, breathed on her. She snorted at his comment and blinked three times quickly. Their signal for hold me. He walked to the bed and collapsed on it, his head resting on the 'Belly.' She held his head for a moment before he maneuvered himself so he could lie next to her and hold her.

"Bad news or good news?" he asked and immediately regretted it.

"Bad news, you dork," she replied, listlessly.

"I'm sorry, Sum," he said. They lay there again in silence. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Shh," she said. "I just want to lie here for a minute."

Her eyes were closed, he could tell without even looking at her, that's how well he knew her. He nodded and he knew she felt it. He brushed the hair off her face, kissed her cheek and her nose and her eyes and then the belly before he repositioned himself and leaned against her.

_"Is a minute up yet?" he asked._

_"Is a minute up yet?" she asked._

_"No, Summer."_

_"Yet?"_

_"I already said no," Seth said._

_"I hate surprises!" she complained._

_"I heard already," he shot-back. "If I had of realized how annoying you would be, I wouldn't have bothered."_

_She pretended to be offended but really, she was excited. She was bouncing around the living room of their brand new, six bedroom, eight-bathroom house. She could hear scraping and clunking as she walked around singing until she gave up and plunked down on the white suede couch and kicked her feet up onto the coffee table. She heard a grunt and then a door opening and then closing again._

_"Typical," Seth sneered._

_"What?" Summer asked innocently._

_"You get to sit around while I do all the physical labor," he joked._

_"No, sweetie, I get to do the labor," she laughed back. "And anyway, I couldn't have helped anyway. It would have ruined the surprise."_

_"Who said anything about a surprise?" Seth asked. Summer smacked him on the arm and he winced. "Ouch. Fine, there is a surprise."_

_He took her hand and pulled her towards the closed door._

_"Close your eyes," he whispered. She closed her eyes and he covered them with one of her hands._

_"Hey, not fair," she complained._

_"Right," he huffed. "Because, if I don't, you wont peek or anything and the surprise won't be ruined."_

_"Whatever," Summer said. She bit his hand and he yelped. "Show me already."_

_She heard the door opening and she let herself be led into the room. Seth removed his hand and he told her to open her eyes._

_She opened them and was met with the Nursery. The walls were painted a pale yellow with a border of the original Winnie the Pooh prints. There was a gleaming white cot with a yellow sheet and quilt set, a white rocking chair with yellow cushions and a white changing table. She gasped as she turned around in a circle. There were already photos on the walls, on the chest of drawers and there were toys tucked into all the corners and spaces._

_"You like it?" Seth asked._

_"Yeah," she answered. "You did good."_

_"I am so good," he said. Summer was walking around in awe. Seth did a victory dance until Summer tapped him on the shoulder. "What?"_

_"Come here," she said. He leant down to her and she kissed him. "I love you."_

_"I love you too," he said. He kissed her again and then leant down and kissed the belly. "And I love you."_

_"Boy or girl?" she asked, looking down at him._

_"Girl," he said, without missing a beat._

_"Why a girl?" she asked._

_"Because I've always wanted a girl," he answered. "Having a girl means we get to keep Ryan and Marissa around."_

_Summer looked at Seth in surprise and confusion._

_"You're its mother and I'm its Dad so it's going to be gorgeous," he answered. "Which means it's going to need protection and well, I'm not much with the fists and hurting but Uncle Ryan is."_

_"You're so cute," Summer said. "Or maybe a dork."_

_"I'm whatever you want me to be," he said._

_"How about Chinese?" she asked._

_"I won't be Chinese but I will get you some," he answered. He went to leave the room. "I want a girl because if she's anything like you, she'll the be the prettiest, sweetest, most adorable thing in the whole world. I want a girl because I want to know what it's like to hold the tiny, fragile parcel in my hands for the first time and to know that this girl is going to grow up to be just like her mother."_

_Summer blinked back the tears._

_"I love you."_


	4. As One

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Ok. So, you guys are awesome. Thanks so much for all the lovely feedback. Some of you bring tears to my eyes. I am going to update this today but you'll have to wait a few more days for the next chapter because I really need to work on 'Intertwined.' You guys must either really like me, or really like O.C fics because I have never had so much feedback in other categories. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Prix:** Noted. I'll keep you forever because you're such a confidence boost.

**Liza:** Yes, I am going to do all of that in good time. In fact, most of it in this chapter.

**Emma:** You're an absolute doll. Thank you so much for your comments. I try. : )

**Guz:** Thanks heaps. I actually worry about overdoing it, so thanks for letting me know I don't. it's a relief.

**Obsessed01**: I have to admit, that's kind of the point. I always have to leave you wanting more so that means leaving questions unanswered. Tricksy, aren't I?

**Skagirl:** I'm so glad to hear you hate him too.

**SummerBreeze-171:** I read it in a book, I have to admit but I thought it sounded like something Seth MIGHT say so I used it, lol.

**Ukbabes:** You are so cynical, lol. Maybe it can last, maybe it won't.

**GeminiPiper:** I don't think I've ever made someone dance anxiously before. Make sure you don't strain any muscles. Bad joke, I know. Here is the answer but…

**Big thanks to everyone else who has reviewed so far:** livingArtemis, nat, FountainsOfCat, ally, Albinofrog88, welcometotheoc, J, nefftys, paige fan, Mrs.AdamBrody, vaughn is hot, Doves30, kursk, dancersar, bens-luver22, Karlie, HP-magic, CurlySue. **If there's anyone I've forgotten I am amazingly sorry but thanks!**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Three:** As One

"Is she going to be ok?" Ryan asked.

Marissa was looking down into her coffee cup. She took a sip and blanched. Kirsten leaned over and took it away from her.

"She's going to be fine," Sandy answered finally.

"The doctor said that she could have the treatment and it wouldn't harm the baby," Marissa said. "But chances for Summer aren't that high."

Ryan blinked and turned away to compose himself. He'd always had a soft spot for Summer. After, she was his wife's best friend and his best friend's wife. He was so protective of her and he really loved her.

"I don't think I want to hear that," Sandy said. He took Marissa's wrist and she flinched. "He didn't say she wouldn't survive. Summer's a fighter. She'll be alright."

Marissa nodded and blinked back the tears. She glanced at Kirsten for strength but Kirsten was standing at the kitchen window, not even bothering to hide her tears. She did, however, turn to Marissa and give her a smile. It was a small smile and a smile through her tears, but it was a smile all the same. Marissa gave up choking back her sobs and she rested her cheek on the cool table and let the tears slide down her cheeks.

"Why is this happening to her?" she cried, sitting up. She let out a wrenching cry that made everyone in the room flinch and move slightly away from her. Even Ryan, her husband, her life. She saw he recovered quicker than the other's and he quickly scooted to her side.

"Hey, babe," he said, knocking their foreheads together lightly. "It's going to be ok. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she whispered lightly. She cried silently for a few more minutes, still leaning against Ryan's forehead. He stood up and held her head to his chest for a moment before he leant down and kissed her forehead.

"I'm going to call your Mum to see how Lexi is," he said. "You should talk to her for a minute. You'll feel better."

She nodded slightly and giving Kirsten and Sandy a brave smile, she walked towards the telephone. Sandy stood up and caught her.

"Marissa," he said. And that's all he had to say. Because she understood. They were in this together and they would make it through. As one. Just like always.

_"You called your daughter Lexi?" Summer cooed._

_"No," Marissa said, tiredly. She had just been in an eight-hour labour and they were talking on the phone. Summer in Boston and Marissa back home in Newport._

_"But Seth said…"_

_"I called her Alexis," Marissa corrected._

_Summer was silent._

_"Oh, Coop," she said finally._

_"It's my little way of showing that you will always be a part of my life," Marissa explained. "Always and forever, Summer Alexis Cohen."_

_"Coop, that's so sweet," Summer said, a tear springing to her eye. "Thank you."_

_"You're my best friend in the whole world, you know that right?"_

_"You're mine too."_

"Hey," Marissa said lightly. She was lying alone on the white suede couch in the formal living room when Seth walked slowly down the stairs. He gripped the banner the whole way down afraid that if he let go, he too, like his world, would crash to the ground with lightening speed. His eyes were red and his shirt was crumpled.

"Hey," he said, taking a seat.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I just found out my wife is sick," he said, in a biting sarcastic tone. "How do you think I'm doing?"

Marissa didn't even blink when she retorted.

"Seth, don't even try that with me," she spat. "We're family and we are in this together, as one. So don't even bother using that response with me. We're all hurting here. We're all shocked and we're all upset."

"She's not your wife," Seth said. His eyes were involuntarily welling up.

"No," Marissa answered, moving closer to him. "She's not. But she is my best friend and I have known her my entire life. I know everything about her and we have been there together through everything. If you think that by being rude you're going to get rid of us all, you're wrong. If anything, it's going to make us stay for longer."

Seth nodded slightly as he contemplated her words.

"I wasn't rude," he said finally. "I was typical."

"Which is just as bad," Marissa said, rolling her eyes. "And no, you weren't horrible. But you were going to be. I could tell."

"How?"

"Because this family, we are one. I know you better than I know myself and that's why I'm here," she said. "Because I know you need me."

"Where's everybody else?" he asked, when they were in the kitchen knocking up some dinner.

"Home," Marissa answered, as she ladled the noodles onto a plate. "To give you some space."

Seth froze and looked up at her.

"I'm different," Marissa said. "I don't want to give you any space. I don't trust you to have space. You'll set the house on fire or start making Summer read comics."

Seth walked to a kitchen chair and collapsed into it. She couldn't make him laugh. He rested his head on his arms and Marissa could tell by his heaving, shaking shoulders that he was crying. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders. When his crying got worse, she pulled the chair closest to him out and sat in it. "Hey. Come here."

She put her arms around him and his head moved to her chest. She was crying again. Her eyes stung and were swollen, her face was dry and probably cracked. She definitely didn't have mascara on her face anymore. She should be all cried out but nevertheless, she was crying again.

What a sight they made, the two of them sitting there. Marissa in her pale purple jumper and pearls, Seth in his stock t-shirt and button-up shirt combination. Their hair all messy, their faces dirty and their eyes red and swollen. They were the perfect picture of a couple grieving together as one.

_"Thank you for coming in to see me on such short notice," the doctor said. His voice was low and calming, but there was an underlying urgency to it._

"_It's no problem," Kirsten said, smiling nervously. She took Summer's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "Do we come in here?"_

"_Yes. Please come in and take a seat," he said. He led Summer into the room where she absentmindedly took a seat. He stopped Kirsten and shook her hand. "I'm Dr Jenkins."_

"_Kirsten Cohen," she said. "Summer's mother in-law."_

"_Her husband doesn't know about this, does he?" Dr. Jenkins asked. Kirsten shook her head._

"_With all due respect, my daughter in-law only found out about this yesterday. I'm lucky she even came and told me. In fact, I only found out as a mistake. You're rushing her to make choices yet before she's even had a tiny moment to tell anyone or to start to deal with it."_

"_With all due respect, she doesn't have much time to deal with it," he said. Kirsten glared at him for a moment but when she saw his expression, she softened. Trying not to cry, she pushed past him into the room and took a seat next to Summer. Summer looked up at her. She looked visibly worried. The Doctor had been adamant that she come down as soon as she could with someone she trusted. She had automatically picked Kirsten._

"_I wanted you two to come here today to talk about your treatment options," he said. "If we don't get this now, there could be some complications. You have two choices and I'm afraid, none of them are perfect. You can have Chemo or you can leave the cancer untreated."_

"_I don't want to do chemo if it's going to hurt my baby," Summer said, finding her voice._

"_There have been no reports of Chemo hurting an unborn fetus," Dr. Jenkins replied. "However, out of all the mother's treated for leukemia while pregnant, five out of five relapsed after two years and none of them recovered."_

_Summer and Kirsten sat in stunned silence._

"_Mrs. Cohen," he said, turning to Summer. "I'm not going to lie to you. Your case is rare. Not many pregnant women have been diagnosed with acute leukemia and not many have survived. You're position is not admirable, I understand and I am sorry. You have a difficult choice. You can either abort your baby, if you're worried or you can-"_

"_Getting rid of this baby is not an option," Kirsten interjected. She was furious but her shell-shocked appearance made her seem calm and easy. She looked at Summer. "Is it?"_

_Summer shook her head and then, unable to look at Kirsten any longer, glanced back at the doctor before fixing her glance on the poster behind his head. He looked at Kirsten for a second before he continued._

"_You can abort the baby and start the Chemo cycle from the beginning or you can keep the baby and we'll try Chemo. There is no guarantee with either of them. But if you want my advice, keep the baby and take the Chemo. At least then you'll have something to live for."_


	5. Fragile

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** I just wanted to explain something. I originally wanted this story to be different. I was going to have the prologue and then I was going to right back to the beginning and write the story from the end of Season One up until now. Do you like the way I've done it better? Having the story and then the flashbacks to explain?SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE!Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Setting:** This is set eight years in the future when the gang are twenty-five. Ryan and Marissa have been married for five years and their daughter is four. Seth and Summer have been married for three years.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Four:** Fragile

Marissa woke up the next morning and found two little clear, blue eyes staring at her. They blinked and then were narrowed and then widened again. She saw a little nose pop up the side of the bed and rest on the quilt. Marissa leant over and grabbed the nose carefully. Her four-year-old daughter giggled and climbed into bed next to her mother.

"Hello, Mummy," she said. She snuggled into he mother and Marissa sighed.

"Hello, baby," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"I need you to do my hair," she said, holding out an elastic. "Daddy tried and he couldn't do it and Aunty Summer was asleep when I went into her room."

"So, she's sleeping?" Marissa asked, sitting up. Her daughter nodded. "That's good."

She took the elastic band from her daughter's hand and started to plait her ash blonde hair.

"Mummy, why did you stay here last night?"

"Because Aunty Summer's sick and she needed someone to look after her," Marissa said. She was holding the elastic in her mouth and her words were muffled.

"Kinda like when you take care of me when I'm sick?" her daughter asked, her feet bouncing.

"Hold still," Marissa said, as she finished the plait. "Yes, kind of like when I take care of you when I'm sick."

She leant down and turned her daughter's face towards her and proceeded to tell her that Aunty Summer was going to be sick for a long time and she might need to stay here for quite awhile and would Alexis be ok with Daddy for awhile when Ryan appeared at the door.

"Is Aunty Summer going to be ok?" Alexis asked, her eyes wide in concern. Marissa knew she didn't fully understand but she didn't want to ruin her daughter's day. Summer was her 'best friend' and her favorite aunt. "And is the baby going to be ok?"

"I think she's going to be fine," Marissa said. "But…"

"We got to go, Lexie. You're going to be late for kinder," Ryan interjected. He winked at Marissa who beamed up at him tiredly. She had fallen into an exhausted sleep in Seth and Summer's luxurious bedroom sometime in the early hours of the morning.

"Kiss," she said, turning her cheek to her. She felt her daughter's lips brush against her cheek and she repeated the gesture. "Have fun at school. I love you."

Kirsten appeared at the door holding a bagel and a glass of orange juice.

"I bought you breakfast," she said, smiling. Alexis grabbed onto her grandmother's legs and wouldn't let go. "Alexis, Aunty Summer's awake. Why don't you go say hello?"

"Quickly," Ryan called out after her. "Or we're going to be late."

Kirsten handed Ryan Marissa's makeshift breakfast and headed after her.

"I'll go with her," she said. "Keep an eye on her. In fact, Ryan, I'll take her to school and you and Marissa can spend some time together."

"What about work?" Ryan asked, warmly. Alexis's kindergarten was well out of the way.

"I'm not going in today," Kirsten answered. "I thought I might be needed here."

"You're the greatest," Marissa smiled. Kirsten smiled back and Ryan sensed a private joke between them.

"I'll check in on you when I get back," Kirsten said to Marissa. "You must be exhausted."

"Thanks, Kirsten," she smiled. Ryan stood up and kissed his adopted mother on the cheek.

"Thanks for taking Lexie," he said.

"It's ok," she said. She turned and closed the door behind her. They heard her yelling to their four year-old daughter who was down the hall. "Lexie it's time to go!"

"Are you taking me to school, Grandma?" he excited reply came.

"Yes, sweetie," was the last thing they heard before Ryan came and snuggled in next to his wife of five years.

"I looked in on Summer this morning," he said.

"Yeah?" Marissa replied, settling herself in more comfortably.

"She looked so small and so helpless. So fragile," he said. "She needs all the help she can get and it's unusual. I've only seen her like that once."

"I know," Marissa whispered. She rubbed her husband's back.

"Seeing her like that makes me want to do everything I can for her. And I will do anything I can for her. That's not going to change. I just want to help. Fix it somehow."

"I think this is something you can't even fix," Marissa smiled.

"And why not?" he asked.

"Because it isn't something you can beat with your fists," Marissa remarked dryly.

_"I just want to find him and kill him," Ryan said. His fists were clenched and he was angrily pacing the room. "I want to pound him and smash him into the ground for doing this to her."_

"_I know you do," Marissa said. She scooted back when Ryan pushed a small stack of books of his chest of drawers. "Ryan, I know you're angry but you're scaring me."_

"_I'm sorry," he said, forcefully. He looked at her continued quieter. "I'm sorry. It's just that, this is the sort of thing I grew up with. When I moved to Newport, I was getting away from all this crap. I just don't like the idea that Zach can be allowed to get away with this."_

"_He won't," Marissa remarked. "Believe me."_

"_How can you be so calm about this?" Ryan spat._

"_Because I am trying to think of Summer," Marissa said, through gritted teeth and Ryan softened. "I am angry. I am furious but I happen to know that hurting Zach isn't going to make it any better."_

"_She just looked so fragile," Ryan said, after a moment. "So scared and so alone. He reduced Summer to tears. He broke her. He should have to pay for that."_

_Seth ambled into the room. He looked physically and emotionally exhausted._

"_I want to kill him," he said, quietly. His voice was full of pure, un-adulterated and deadly anger._

"_I know," Ryan answered._

"_But killing him would be to easy," Seth countered. "He wouldn't have to pay for what he'd done."_

"_That's true," someone answered._

"_We should beat him to a bloody pulp so that he is permanently disfigured and so everyone will know what he's one," Seth said._

"_Stop!" Marissa cried out. She covered her face with her arms. "You two are scaring me."_

_The boys just looked at her._

"_You can't kill Zach, you can't hurt Zach. You can't even touch him," Marissa said, hot tears streaming from her eyes. The boys looked at her with blank disbelieving faces. "Don't think that I don't want him to pay. Believe me, I do. But if you touch him, you won't be any better than he is."_

_they were silent for a moment before Marissa stood up._

"_I'm going to check on Summer. I'll be back soon and I expect you to be here. Don't try anything."_

"Coffee?" Sandy asked.

"Hey, Sandy," Marissa said, accepting the red mug full of dark brown liquid.

"How did you sleep?" he asked her.

"Not very well," she admitted. "Did Ryan go to work?"

"He left about an hour ago. He said you were asleep," Sandy replied. "He also said he'd be back after work and that he'd called your mother and asked if Lexie could stay with her for a few nights."

"I'd rather she went to my Dad's," Marissa replied.

"And she suggested Lexie go to your father's so I said I'd take her there myself," Sandy replied immediately.

Marissa gulped her coffee down and thanked Sandy. She headed upstairs and took a shower before heading to her best friend's room. It seemed like they hadn't had a moment alone since Summer told Marissa her news.

_"Coop," Summer said. "I have something to tell you."_

"_What is it?" Marissa asked. They were sitting outside in vaguely the same position Kirsten and Summer had been in when they'd cried. It was only two hour later._

"_I'm sick," Summer said. She paused and looked at her Marissa who knew by Summer's tone that this was serious._

"_How sick?" Marissa asked, swallowing. Her voice was slightly hoarse and Summer could see she was trying to keep a grip on her emotions._

"_I have acute leukemia," Summer replied. Marissa's wall fell and she began to quietly sob._

"_But, how?" Marissa asked. "Are you going to be okay? Is the baby? Are you going to have chemo?"_

"_The baby is going to be fine," Summer said, calmly. "And yes, I will have chemo. The treatments are perfectly safe and won't harm the baby."_

"_But what about you?" Marissa asked. "Are you going to be okay?"_

"_Acute leukemia is really rare in pregnant women," Summer said, as she began to cry softly. "And so is survival. But it's not impossible."_

"_Oh, Summer," Marissa said. And they sat together and cried again because there was nothing else to do. There was nothing else to say._

"How are you feeling?" Marissa asked, sitting carefully on the side of Summer's bed.

"Lousy," Summer said. "I suddenly feel tired and cranky."

Marissa nudged her best friend over slightly and crawled into bed next to her.

"Ryan said he saw you quickly this morning," she said. "He said you looked really fragile and it reminded him of the whole Zach saga."

"Ugh," Summer said, closing her eyes. "You had to bring that up. It was nearly seven years ago."

"Eight," Marissa corrected. "He said that seeing you like that made him want to fight for you. that he wanted to help and he wanted to fix it."

"If only he could this time," Summer murmured.

"I told him it wasn't something he could fix with his fists," Marissa said, softly. "But that it would mean something to you to know he cared. He really loves you Summer. We all do."

"I know," Summer answered. She yawned and looked at her best friend. "I'm sorry, Coop but I'm really tired."

Marissa leant down and kissed her cheek.

"I'll let you sleep," she said, walking towards the door. She turned and looked down at Summer before she left the room.

Ryan was right. Seeing her in this position again, so small and fragile made you to fight. It made you want to kill whatever it was that had made her so helpless. And it would drive them crazy to know that this could never actually be fixed by anything they did. This couldn't be punched up, or threatened. An example couldn't be made of this horrible disease that had taken over her. Nothing could be done.

And that made them feel helpless.


	6. Always

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't updated lately. I was working on finishing 'Intertwined,' which is now done and I've been working on a new Alias story, 'Redemption.' If you're an Alias fan, check it out. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Spoiler (and explanation):** Zach is not the father of the baby. The incident with him happened back in the second season. This story is seven/eight years in the future and they are twenty-four/twenty-five.

**Attention 'Intertwined' readers:** I will be doing a sequel in the next few weeks. It will probably be called 'Entangled.' Look out for it!

**Kursk:** This chapter explains a little more why Seth hasn't been with Summer very much. Hope it's a satisfactory explanation, lol.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Five:** Always

"Coop?" Summer's feeble voice called out from the bedroom.

"Yeah, Sum?" Marissa called back from across the hallway where she was packing her bags and preparing to go home. It had been two weeks since they had learned about Summer's illness. She had started treatment and apart from the nausea that rocked her body every morning, she was taking it well. Marissa had decided to go home and let Seth take care of his wife for a while. She needed the rest. Being around Summer and seeing her in her condition depressed her. And angered her.

"Can you get Seth for me?" Summer said, as Marissa appeared in the doorway.

"Sure, babe," Marissa said. She went over and fixed the covers around Summer first and handed her a glass of water. Summer pushed it away.

"I can get my own water, Marissa. I'm not a baby," she yelled.

"Sorry," Marissa whispered weakly. She straightened herself up. "I'll go see if I can find Seth."

Marissa steeled herself and walked down the hallway to the long stairs where she ran into Ryan and Alexis.

"Hey," Ryan said.

"Hey yourself," she said as she leant over to kiss him. He embraced her and held for a second, his hand running through her hair. She kneeled down and hugged and kissed her little girl. "Hey, baby girl."

"Hello, Mummy," Alexis smiled.

"We just came to see if you were ready to go," Ryan explained. "Alexis has missed you and she's desperate to get you home."

She looked at her little girl.

"That true, honey? You want Mummy to come home?" Marissa asked.

"Yep," she smiled happily. She attached herself to Marissa's waist. "Can I go see Aunty Summer?"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Marissa started but Ryan stopped her with a glance. "Yeah, honey. Go see Aunty Summer. But if she's asleep or gets tired, you need to come downstairs and find me, ok?"

"Yes, Mummy," Alexis said, running off.

"Alexis," Marissa called quickly. The little girl stopped in her tracks. "Be good. And don't be too noisy."

"Yes, Mama," she called back, resuming her run.

Marissa turned to Ryan and blinked back some tears.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Ryan asked, his eyes widening in concern. "Come here."

She collapsed onto his chest and cried silently for a few moments.

"She's really sick, Ryan," Marissa said. "The Chemo is really affecting her. She has major mood swings, she can't keep any food down. She doesn't sleep properly."

"It was never going to be easy," Ryan said, patting her back soothingly.

"I know, but I didn't realize it was going to be so hard," Marissa said. She pulled away and wiped her face. "I feel really bad leaving her."

"Don't," Ryan said. "Sandy and Kirsten are only a few doors down and we're only a few minutes away. If they need us, they'll call."

"I know but…"

"Marissa, no buts. You need to come home. You can't do anything for her and you know as well as I do that Seth and her need to get through this together," Ryan said. "And besides,Lexie misses you. I miss you."

"You do?" Marissa asked.

"Of course," he said. "I miss your snoring in the night. It's amazing."

"I do not snore," Marissa laughed, hitting him.

"You do," he said, swinging an arm around her shoulder. They were about to kiss again when they were interrupted by Alexis tugging on Marissa's arm.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked. The girl didn't answer for a moment. "Lexie?"

"Aunty Summer's crying," she said, her eyes welling up. "She says she wants Seth."

"Shoot," Marissa said, smacking her forehead. "I forgot to get Seth."

"You go to Summer, I'll go find Seth," Ryan said.

"You didn't see him when he came in?" Marissa asked.

Kirsten appeared at the stairs, hearing the commotion.

"What's wrong?" she asked when she saw Alexis's teary face. Alexis ran to her grandmother and threw her arms around her waist. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Summer's in pain," Ryan explained. "I need to find Seth."

"I thought he was with you," Kirsten said. "He told me you two were going to get pizza for dinner."

Marissa and Ryan froze in their spot. Marissa and Kirsten's gaze met and they gasped.

"Ryan, take Alexis over to Jimmy's and then go out and look for Seth. Marissa, try his mobile and work numbers. Call Alex and Sandy too," Kirsten said, taking charge. "If they haven't seen him, get them over here to look for him. I'll go to Summer."

"Where is he?" Kirsten shrieked.

"_Honey, it's ok. Calm down," Sandy said, grabbing his crying wife._

"_I will not calm down!" she screamed. She was punching him as he stood, solid as a brick wall, ever the loving husband._

"_Wherever he is, I'm sure he's safe," Sandy tried._

"_Don't give me that crap, Sandy!" she screamed, pushing him away. "Don't give me that crap."_

_She looked at him, her gaze steely. Every inch of her wanted to blame him for this. For bringing Ryan home in the first place. For letting his own son go in the first place, but she couldn't. she had to understand that Seth was a grown boy who could make his own decisions. That didn't mean she had to like him. she looked away from her husband and sunk to the floor, her shoulders shaking with the emotion as she cried._

"_Bring him back, Sandy," she said, looking up at him, her eyes and voice broken. "Bring him back."_

"Summer, sweetie?" Kirsten called softly. Her voice was tentative and nervous. She moved to her daughter in-law's bedside and sat down next to her. She stroked her warm and sweaty cheek and wiped away her tears.

"Where's Seth?" she gasped. She groaned as a sharp wave of pain flew across her body.

"He went out to grab some pizza," Kirsten said. She helped Summer take a drink of water and then swallow two blue pills that, in theory, were supposed to slow the ebb of pain.

"Kirsten," Summer said. She looked like she was going to throw up. "Don't lie to me. Where is my husband?"

Kirsten paused and breathed in deeply. She made sure Summer had swallowed the pills and was lying in a more comfortable position before she told her.

"He's gone, Sum," she said. She automatically reached for the bucket and held it in front of Summer as she threw up what little of her lunch she'd been able to keep down.

"Gone?" Summer said. "As in, left. As in, we have no idea where he is?"

"It's not like that," Kirsten started but stopped when she saw the look on Summer's pale face. "I'm sure he just needed some time away from all of this. He'll be back, Summer. I promise."

_"Why did you leave?" Summer asked. They had been back together for a couple of months. Summer had realized she liked falling asleep, curled up in Seth's arms._

"_I just couldn't deal with it," Seth said. His voice was calm and even but she could hear the steel and fear in his voice. "I keep everything inside and I do nothing about my feelings until it gets to much and I just have to leave and get away from it all. I just have to collect my thoughts and figure out how I'm going to deal with it, instead of burying it again."_

"_I kinda understand," she said finally, reassuring him that this was not going to turn into a fight._

"_Really?" he asked, all apprehension gone. He felt her nod lightly and he pulled her closer. A shiver ran through her body. "I never meant to hurt you."_

"_I know."_

"_I love you," he said, finally. It wasn't the first time he had said it. no, not at all. He had screamed it in his head, it had squelched through is pores and could be seen in his eyes. His movements said 'I love you,' his casual stares. Everything about him said it but he had never admitted it out loud and to her face._

_She paused and somehow kept back the smile on her face. She casually turned to him and saw his face was white and pale. His eyes were darting everywhere but her face. He was nervous. She kissed his Adam's apple and looked up at him._

"_I love you too," she said. He stared down at her again and smiled. She finally let go of her inhibitions and broke into a huge beaming smile. they kissed happily._

"_I will never leave you again," Seth said._

"_Don't say that," Summer said, placing a hand on his mouth. "If you ever do, you'll be lying to me and I couldn't take that."_

"_What should I say then?" he asked._

"_Tell me you'll always come back," she ordered._

"_I'll always come back," he whispered._

"_Good," she said, kissing him again. "Good."_

**A/N:** This chapter was getting a bit long but rest assured, he will be back soon!


	7. A Normal Human Being

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't updated very recently. I found myself the victim of being unfairly banned from the computer for a few days. I don't even know what I did. But rest assured, I'm back now. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Six: **A Normal Human Being

"Seth?" Ryan called tentatively. He made his way towards Seth who made a cutting figure, perched on the end of the pier. "I'm not stupid enough to think you'll jump, so don't even bother trying to make me go away."

"How do you know I wouldn't?" Seth asked, not even bothering to turn around and look at his assailant.

"Because I know you better than I know myself," Ryan answered, positioning himself next to Seth. He stood with one foot on the lowest rung, his arms slung out across the top of the fence. "What's up?"

"Nothing's up," Seth objected.

"Right," Ryan answered. He sighed and leant his head on his arm. "We'll just stand here for as long as it takes. I have all night."

Seth was silent for a minute. He opened his mouth to talk and closed it again. They stood together in silence until the sun began to set over the water. It changed the water from it's dark blue's and green's to purple, pink, orange and finally, inky black. It barely took minutes but that flash of beauty was enough to calm them both down.

"I just don't know how to deal with this," Seth said, finally. They were sitting in the Crab Shack eating dinner. Ryan nodded. "I mean, there isn't exactly a course in 'How to Deal With Life When Your Pregnant Wife Has Cancer And More Than Likely Won't Survive. 101."

"I know," Ryan replied.

"Of all my usual coping mechanisms, making stupid jokes, turning into the bad version of a broody boy, having a guy's night-in, video game marathon or running away, running away seemed to be the most plausible option," Seth said, taking a bite of his crab roll.

"Running away isn't going to change anything," Ryan said, truthfully. "I know you've heard it before but it's still the truth. It might put things into perspective and you might be able to escape it for awhile but when you come back, thing's are often worse than they were when you left."

"When did you get to be the smart, philosophical guy?" Seth intoned. "I liked you better when you fought with your fists."

"Seth, I wish I could fight this with my fists," he said. "I really do. But I can't. And you can't deal with it by running away and abandoning your wife when she needs you the most."

"I know," Seth answered. He dropped his head to the table and banged it against the lacquered wood of the table. "Is she going to hate me?"

"For being you?" Ryan asked. "Nah. She might be a little angry at first but I think if you explain it to her, she might understand."

They finished their dinners in silence.

"You good to go?" Ryan asked, signaling for the cherub.

"Yeah," Seth answered.

"Ready to go home?"

"I think so," Seth started but he was silenced by Ryan's phone.

"Hey," Ryan said, his features automatically changing as he talked to his wife. There was silence on Ryan's side and his whole body tensed. "Ok. We'll be there as soon as possible. I love you."

Ryan grabbed Seth's arm and pulled him towards the exit in a hurry.

"Ryan? Not that I don't enjoy being manhandled by you but, what's going on?" Seth asked, stopping Ryan in his tracks.

"It's Summer," Ryan said. "She's been taken to Newport General. She had a reaction to the Chemo."

"She what?" Seth spluttered, all semblance of calm gone from his face. His already pale face managed to lose all colour and his chin began to tremble. He steeled himself, he would not cry. "Is she going to be alright?"

"I guess we should go find out," Ryan said. He moved forward but noticed Seth couldn't physically make himself move. He gently grabbed Seth's arm and maneuvered him outside. "Seth, let's go."

_"Oh my gosh," Summer gasped, placing a hand on her stomach._

"_What?" Seth asked, immediately concerned. He walked over to his wife's side. She is five months pregnant and has not yet found out she is sick. "Is something wrong?"_

_Summer grabs Seth's hand and places it on her quickly expanding belly._

"_Feel that?" she asks. She is smiling and Seth doesn't think he has ever seen her look so beautiful or so radiant. "The baby's kicking."_

_Seth runs his hand over her belly and then brings it back and places it close to Summer's. He grins in wonder and smiles up at her._

"_Wow," he says. He leans down and kisses the belly where it's moving. "Hey little one. We can feel you kicking so we just wanted to say hi."_

"_You're suck a dork," Summer laughs._

"_Yes, but I'm a dork you love," he answers, kissing her cheek. "Therefore, I'm a dork that's been rectified by your love."_

_She laughs again and then yawns. Seth notices she's a little pale and concerned, places a hand on her cheek._

"_Your cold," he says, frowning at her._

"_Just a little," she replies. She places her head on his shoulder and he strokes her hair and kisses her forehead. "I'm so tired."_

"_I guess being pregnant really takes everything out of you, huh?" Seth asks. He grabs the blanket they keep over the back of the couch as decoration and places it gently over Summer._

"_I'll say," Summer answers. "I don't remember Marissa ever being this tired with Lexie, though."_

"_Marissa and Ryan were in Boston for most of her pregnancy," Seth replied. "Of course you wouldn't."_

_They are silent for a while. An old black and white movie flickers silently in the background. They pretend to watch it but they are both contemplating what Summer has just said._

"_Are you worried something's wrong?" Seth asks, finally. He sees a little bruise on Summer's collarbone he's never noticed before. "If you are, I think you should go and see a doctor."_

"_Maybe I should," Summer replies. She feels Seth tense next to her. His concern is sweet and in that moment she has never loved him more. "Cohen, I'm sure everything's alright."_

"_I know," Seth says, kissing her lightly. She tilts her head up to him and kisses him hard on the lips._

"_Everything's fine."_

Seth stared out the window for most of the trip. He watched the lights of the other car's speed past. Normally, he would have spent the entire trip chattering endlessly and aimlessly but he finds his mouth cannot form words. He wants to scream but he finds no sounds come out. His thoughts are instead screaming for him.

'_God, please don't let her die,'_ he prays. _'Don't let anything happen to her until I can see her. Until I can tell her I love her and I'm sorry.'_

As if reading his thoughts, Ryan looks at him briefly before turning his attention back to navigating the Orange County streets.

"If it's serious, you know she'll hold on until you get there," he says. It's supposed to be a comfort and Seth knows that but it seems quite a morbid thing to say.

"I know," Seth replied eventually. He was angry with himself, livid. Ryan could tell. "I know. It's just that, I don't think I can handle anything happening to her. For the past two weeks, I haven't known what to do with her or how to be with her so I've spent so much time at the Bait Shop with Alex. I abandoned her, dumped my wife on your wife. I left her for other people to take care of. She needed me and I left her."

"I think she understands," Ryan said. They pulled up to a red light and Ryan studied his friend briefly. "Seth, you've been there for her when it mattered. You've been there when it mattered. That means something."

"What do you mean?" Seth asked.

"You've slept next to her every night," Ryan said. "You've run to her side every time she's called, you're there every time she's in pain. You never left her when she needed you and if you did, you came straight back. Trust me, Seth. You haven't abandoned your wife. You've been a normal human being reacting the only way you know how."

Seth looked out the window. He could feel a lump starting to form in his throat. His face felt constricted and he knew instinctively, he was going to cry. A single tear he couldn't hold back fell listlessly down his face. He didn't bother to blink the next one back.

"You're not a horrible person," Ryan said, keeping his eyes on the road. He hadn't turned to see his friend cry. "You're doing what any other person would do."

"Then why do I feel so bad?" Seth asked, letting the floodgates open. Ryan expertly pulled into a parking space. He leaned over and pulled Seth into a friendly embrace. It was surprisingly unawkward. There is no sound but Seth's cries, no feeling but Seth's tears as they drop. Onto the leather seats or onto Ryan's blue t-shirt where they leave a mark and dampen it to the point of uncomfortability.

A broken fluorescent light flashes random beams of light into the car, bringing both Seth and Ryan back to the present. Ryan pats Seth on the back and releases him. He looks at him one last time in the eyes.

"You're not a horrible person," he repeats. "You're not a horrible person."


	8. How to Deal

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** What kind of a person do you think I am? Of course I'm not going to kill Summer before Seth gets to the hospital. Geez. I do have a heart. Lol. I tried to explain a little more how Seth felt. He's basically gutted and doesn't know how to deal with it, as you would be. I hope you like this chapter. It took awhile. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Setting: (Important-ish) **For the purpose of the story, I'm changing the timeline a little. It's been two month since Summer started Chemo and she is therefore, seven months pregnant.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Seven:** How to Deal

"Seth," Kirsten cried. She ran towards him and threw her arms around him. "Where were you? We were so worried."

"How's Summer?" Seth asked, not bothering to glance at anyone else or calm his mother.

"She's doing okay," Sandy answered. He walked over to Kirsten and taking her hand, pulled her away from their son. "She isn't allowed any visitors for the next half an hour."

Seth's face went red with anger and he stormed towards the nurse's office.

"Seth, where are you going?" Kirsten yelled.

"To find a doctor who will let me see my wife," he called over his shoulder.

"Sandy, stop him before he makes a fool of himself," Kirsten said. She closed her eyes and went and took a seat near Marissa as Sandy and Ryan walked off behind Seth. "I can't believe this. This is so surreal. Three months ago she was healthy and carrying a healthy baby. Now she's trapped in a hospital bed looking gaunt and pale. The Chemo was going fine. Why did this happen?"

"I don't think any of us know anymore," Marissa said tiredly. "I'm just glad Seth made it in time."

They were silent for a moment. Kirsten dropped her head onto Marissa's shoulder and Marissa automatically leant her head on top.

"Hey, hey," Marissa comforted as Kirsten sobbed onto her shoulder.

"They don't teach you how to deal with this at school," Kirsten cried. "How do you deal with the fact that your daughter in-law who is pregnant with your grandchild is fighting a disease that is rare in pregnant women? How do you deal with the fact that your son can't deal with it and so runs away?"

"I don't know," Marissa admitted, rubbing Kirsten's back. Their silhouette cut a picture against the wall and passer-bys found themselves momentarily immobilized by their grief. "But we are doing so well. You are doing so well. You're really dealing with this. You should be so proud."

"Hard to be proud that you're holding up when one of the people you love most in the world isn't holding up," Kirsten whispered.

"I know."

_"I'm worried about her," Kirsten says, wrapping her hands around her steaming mug. She looks up at Marissa, who has just handed her said mug,and smiles. "Thanks, sweetie."_

"_Who? Summer?" Ryan asks. His chopsticks are poised above his plate and he remembers something. "Do you remember the time we ordered Chinese?"_

"_Which time?" Kirsten snaps back, sarcastically. The amount of times they had ordered Chinese over the years was astronomical._

"_That time when you started off with like three dishes and then we ended up spending nearly eighty dollars on food," Ryan replies, taking a bite of his noodles._

"_I remember," Sandy shoots back. "It was about two months after the whole Zach incident."_

"_Sweetie, this is beautiful," Kirsten says as she sips her first cup of Chai tea, courtesy of Marissa. 'Anyway, the Zach incident. That brings me back to my point. It's the three-year anniversary of that night. She's spent the week walking around the house in a daze. Nothing affects her. She even missed a double episode of 'The Valley.'"_

"_It must be serious then," Sandy laughs. Ryan chuckles a little but they both find themselves silenced by Kirsten's glare. "I'm sorry."_

"_I just don't think she's equipped to deal with this sort of thing," Kirsten explains. "She just completely shuts down and buries it all away."_

"_Sort of like you," Sandy mutters under his breath. She catches him in a look and then sighs._

"_Sort of exactly like me," Kirsten agrees. "You three deal with problems when they happen. Seth, Summer and I, we don't. We tend to bottle it all up and then do something dramatic like sail away to get over it."_

"_I highly doubt Summer is going to sail away," Sandy says. "But, before you get all huffy, I understand what you're saying. But, really Kirsten, what are we going to do about it?"_

"_I don't know," Kirsten finally whispers. "But I am so worried."_

"Seth, I think you should calm down," Ryan said, placing a hand on Seth's soldiers.

"I don't want to calm down," Seth seethed. He was pacing in front of the doctor's office, where Ryan and Sandy had finally found him. "I want to see my wife."

"Your father will take care of it," Ryan said. "I promise."

"I just don't want anything to happen to her until I can tell her I'm sorry," Seth explained. He continued pacing but slower now. "I need to explain to her why I wasn't there for her. I need to tell her why I left."

"You will get to," Ryan promised. "She's going to be fine."

"Everyone keeps saying that," Seth exploded. "But one day, she isn't going to be fine. And I don't think I can deal with that."

"Seth!" Ryan yelled. His voice sliced through the tense silence that had just covered the hallway. "Today is not that day."

Sandy exited the office with a doctor in tow.

"Seth, you can see Summer but you have to calm down," he explained what Ryan thought was logic. Apparently Seth thought so too.

"I know, Dad. I'm not stupid," Seth exploded again. "I'm not going to go in there and yell at my wife."

"Mr. Cohen?" the doctor interrupted. Both Cohen men looked up. "I'm Dr. Roberts. Your wife's doctor."

"Roberts was her maiden name," Seth said.

"I know," Dr. Roberts smiled. "I thought I should tell you what's going on with your wife. Her immune system had a reaction to the Chemotherapy, which is rare, even for a pregnant woman. Normally, a cancer patient would experience dizziness, nausea, vomiting and an inability to keep food down."

"Yes, Summer's experienced all of those," Seth said, the expression on his face growing confused. He listed a few times when Summer had experienced each of the symptoms. He saw Ryan and Sandy exchange a look and he stared at them. "What?"

"You're beating yourself up because you want to tell your wife you haven't been there for her and yet you know half a dozen times when she's thrown up alone," Sandy said. "I'd say that you have nothing to worry about."

Dr Roberts stood patiently as he listened to the three men talk. It wasn't unusual, or uncomfortable, for him to overhear conversations like this. He waited for a moment before he interrupted.

"I'm sorry, may I continue?" he asked. The men looked up in shock, forgetting he was there. "Mr. Cohen, the Chemo hasn't affected just your wife's immune system, it has affected the baby's. Your child's heartbeat is up substantially high and if she doesn't calm down soon, we will have to induce labor."

"Summer isn't strong enough to go through labor," Seth said, his face paling. "And she won't be able to have Chemo for awhile if she has a Caesarean."

"That's right," the doctor replied. His tone wasn't patronizing nor was his face joyous. "I think you should now that we are doing everything we can so it doesn't come to that."

"Thank you," Sandy said, sensing that Seth couldn't move his mouth to form the words. "We appreciate that. Summer is very special to us all."

Seth noticeably deflated. He started to sink to the floor. All he could feel was Ryan and Sandy's arms propping him up. He could lose his wife and his baby all in one night. Why was this happening to him? He wasn't equipped to deal with this sort of thing.

"Mr. Cohen, you're in shock. I think you should sit down," Dr Roberts said, taking charge.

"Of course I'm in shock," Seth snapped. He knew in the morning he'd feel horrible for snapping at the nothing but kind doctor, but right now he couldn't help it. he looked at the doctor's face and instead of pinched anger, he was compassion and understanding. He let himself be helped to a seat. "I think anyone who is in my position would be. And I'm not just in shock, I'm gutted. My wife is more than likely going to die soon. My child might die too. I'm going to be left with nothing."

"I understand your concern, Mr. Cohen but-" the doctor tries to interrupt but Seth is an unstoppable, uncontrollable force.

"I mean, everyone always wants to know how Summer's going," he says. "And I answer them but underneath, all I think is, what about me? How selfish is that? My wife is sick and I want people to ask how I am."

"It's only natural," the doctor says. This time Seth is listening. "Mr. Cohen, you're naturally upset about your wife but people don't tend to comment on it. In most cases, it's because people are having enough trouble dealing with your wife's sickness that they don't think they can carry any of your burden too."

"I don't want to give them my burden. I like my burden. I just want people to know she's not the only one suffering," Seth explained, a hint of the old sarcastic Cohen shining through. "I'm devastated that something like this could happen to my family but I'm more upset that I can't handle it. But really, who can handle the thought of their wife or child dying?"

"The chances of your wife dying are very slim, Mr. Cohen," the doctor finally explained, as if he knew what Seth was thinking. He looked over at Sandy and Ryan who wore identical pained expressions. "I understand that this is your main concern at the moment, but I am telling you not to worry. Mr. Cohen, I am going to take you to your wife's room right now but I need you to promise me you will stay calm. If you don't, you could raise your wife's heartbeat, which will only increase the baby's. Do you promise?"

"Yeah," Seth agreed.

"I think Seth is too shocked not to be calm," Sandy said, as they morosely walked towards Summer's hospital room. Ryan shivered when he saw Kirsten and Marissa sitting, their heads leant against each other.

"Ryan," Marissa said, standing up. She automatically walked over to him and he reflexively bought her into his arms. Sandy went straight over to Kirsten and she transferred her head to his shoulder.

"Seth's going into see Summer now," Ryan said. Kirsten nodded and Marissa offered him a smile.

"Tell her we love her," she whispered.

"I will."

_It's early morning and Julie and Kirsten sit in the kitchen, eyes bugging out of their sockets, nursing coffee._

_"I can't believe we stayed up all night," Kirsten murmurs. "I haven't done that since I was a teenager."_

_"It's not like it was for anything fun like a keg party either," Julie agrees._

_"No. We stayed up all night nursing Summer and waiting for our children to return from God knows where," Kirsten sighs. They had heard the Range Rover leaving the compound at two in the morning and after finding that Seth, Ryan and Marissa weren't in the pool house, they had stayed up watching movies until they'd heard the car race up the driveway around four. They had decided it wasn't worth sleeping so they grabbed a bottle of wine and resumed their positions._

_Seth traipses into the kitchen and blinks when he sees his mother and Julie sitting there. he had hoped they'd still be asleep. Looking at them, he knows they know they'd left the house._

_"I'm going to go in and check on Summer," Seth says, in a voice that invites no argument. Kirsten nods at him and smiles. He relaxes a little, realizing they aren't going to question him._

_"I'm so proud of you, Seth," she says. "For being so brave."_

_Julie looks on and hides a smile as Marissa comes in and taps her shoulder. _

_"Can we go home, Mum?" she asks. The two look flustered as they enter from the direction of the pool-house._

_"Where did you guys go last night?" Julie asks,_

_"We spent all night in the pool-house," Ryan says, a little too quickly. He swallows and looks at Kirsten. "What's for breakfast?"_

_"Where did you go, Ryan?" Kirsten asks, not buying their little act for a moment._

_"We just went for a drive to the pier," Marissa says finally. They can't tell if she's lying. "We thought we might find Zach there. We just wanted to talk to him. Mum, can we please go home now?"_

_"In a minute, sweetie," Julie replies, grateful for the fact that Marissa is actually talking to her. They will have a long talk on the way home and sort everything out, she thinks. "Seth's just going in to check on Summer."_

_"Tell her love her," Marissa whispers. She feels her mother's hand find hers and squeezes it and for once, she doesn't pull away. It's nice to feel her strength._

_"She's going to need your strength," Julie tells Seth. "I know. I've been in her position before. She'll pretend she doesn't want your help, but she'll need you."_

_Everyone manages to wipe the questioning looks off their faces before Julie looks at them all. She picks up her handbag and smiles._

_"Ready, sweetie?" she asks, flashing Marissa a smile. Marissa goes off to say goodbye to Ryan and Julie walks over to Kirsten and kisses her cheek. "I'd appreciate it if the fact I let myself be raped wasn't spread across Newport."_

_"Of course," Kirsten readily agrees. "I'm so sorry. I never knew."_

_"Don't be," Julie says. "I chose to keep it a secret. I'm only telling you now because I know what Summer's going through. Don't let it pull her down."_

_She and Marissa leave soon after and the startling revelation makes everything feel different._

_"I think Julie Cooper-Nichol just did the least selfish thing in her life," Sandy exclaims. Kirsten shoots him a withering glare but he is adamant. "No, really. This is what she's been hiding all these years. This is what made her the way she is. I think she's actually doing it to help Summer. She doesn't want Summer to turn out like her."_

_"Like that would happen anyway," Seth half-spits. He turns and walks out the door. "I'll be in my room if you need me."_

_He walks the halls in a daze. He never thought he would be in this position again, having a sleeping Summer in his room. Yet here he is. He knocks on the door lightly and enters._

_"How are you feeling?" he asks, as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He doesn't want to force her into being close to him just yet. He doesn't know how she feels about physical contact now that the sun is shining._

_"Will you hold me again?" she asks._

_"I knew you'd miss that one day," he jokes. She shoots something back and Seth smiles. It's refreshing for everything to be back the way it used to be. He never wants it to change._

**Another A/N:** Seth and Summer will be together in the next chapter I swear. This one was getting a little long but. Sorry!


	9. Final Destination

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Here's your next chapter. I hope you all like. It makes me so happy when I get yoru reviews. You all really seem to like this story. I have to admit, I don't know how I feel about this chapter, but oh well!I wanted to getsomething up.Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Setting: (Important-ish) **For the purpose of the story, I'm changing the timeline a little. It's been two month since Summer started Chemo and she is therefore, seven months pregnant.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Eight:** Final Destination

Seth walked carefully and silently into his wife's room. She stirred as he tiptoed to her bedside. He leant down and brushed his lips against her forehead. She opened her eyes and turned up to look at him.

"Hi," she whispered up, offering something that resembled a smile.

"Hey," he whispered back.

"Your back," she said.

"Yeah."

"Where did you go before?" she asked. He noticed that she was blinking back tears, tears he had caused, and he hated himself for putting them there.

"Just out for awhile. I needed to get away for a little while," he replied, brushing her cheek tenderly. He looked at her and started to sob. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

"It's ok," she whispered futilely. Seth was resolute. He had failed his wife. "It doesn't matter, Seth. It doesn't matter. You're here now."

"You don't hate me?" he asked, sounding more unlike Cohen then she had ever heard him sound.

"Of course I don't hate you," she said. "I don't blame you either. No one ever asked you how you were feeling. The attention was all on me. And I for once, didn't love it."

"I find that hard to believe," he mocked. "Why are you so good to me?"

"I'm not good to you," she retorted. "I just can't seem to find anyone else to be obsessed with."

"Interesting. I'm obsessable," he retorted. He became morose again. "Why don't you hate me?"

"Seth, why don't you get it?" she cried. "You didn't leave me. You have been there for me except for the times you had to leave like work. You have been by my side almost constantly. It just got too much for you. Believe me, if I could just leave, I would too."

He nodded at her and she saw the recognition in his eyes. He finally understood. She wasn't angry with him because she understood.

"Seth, how are you?" she asked. The sheer simplicity of her question astounded him and he found he could do nothing but answer truthfully.

"I'm devastated, Summer," he said, the full extent of everything dawning on him. "I feel like the odds are stacked against us."

"Have you talked to a doctor?" Summer asked, her lips trembling. Seth nodded. He didn't blame her for the quick change in conversation, he knew how hard this was. "Is everything okay?"

"Not exactly," Seth answered. He couldn't bring himself to say anything more but, "Your body had a reaction to the Chemo."

"And the baby?" Summer asked, her voice breaking. She bit her lip and focused all her energy on a spot on the wall.

"The baby was affected too," Seth said, his own voice breaking. She looked at him, startled and then turned her attention back to the wall.

They were silent for a moment.

"Is the baby going to be okay?" Summer asked eventually. Seth thought her voice sounded pitiful and weak. He turned to face her.

"Summer, they're going to stop Chemo," he said. He closed his eyes, wanting to block out the sight of her paling face but he found that even then it haunted him.

"Stop Chemo?" she stuttered. "Why?"

"I'm not a doctor," he replied. "I don't know why. What I do know is that if they don't stop Chemo now, you may as well not have a baby."

"I have to have this baby," she said, resolutely.

"I know," he whispered.

"If I die or if anything happens to me, I need to leave something behind," she explained.

"Don't say that, Summer," Seth ordered. "They're going to start Chemo again as soon as you've had the baby."

"It'll be too late for me then," she said, shaking her head. Her eyes were wide and the corners of her mouth were down turned.

"No. Don't say that," Seth pleaded. He looked at her with fierce determination. "It won't be too late. You're going to be fine."

"No, Seth," she said, a calm, eerie smile crossing her face. "I'm not."

Seth looked at her and appraised her appearance. Her brown hair was up in a messy bun, her face was pale and her eyes were bloodshot. Black smudges lived under her eyes and yet, through it all, she had a calm, determination about her. A kind of peace.

"No, no," Seth said, starting to cry. "You're going to be fine."

Summer was crying now herself. She shifted herself in her bed, her large stomach making it harder. She pulled Seth towards herself and he awkwardly leaned his head on top of her stomach. He cried into her chest and she cried into his hair.

"You're my final destination," Summer whispered quietly. Seth laughed lightly. It was a private joke of theirs. The two always found themselves drifting back together and despite anything and everything, together they would stay. They were each other's final destination.

"Summer, please don't leave me," Seth whispered, starting to cry again. They stayed in their positions for the longest time.

A knock came at the door and Kirsten quietly stuck her head in. She saw the two in their embrace and automatically left the room.

"Kirsten, are you ok?" Ryan asked, coming up to her. She is pale and is leaning against the wall for support.

"I don't want to do this anymore," she said. "I don't want to lose her and I don't want this to be the end."

_"Can't you for once pay a little more attention to me?" Summer pouts. She is standing in the middle of the Cohen's lounge room wearing a black and white striped top and white pants with a white scarf tied around her head, just like the one she wore to Tijuana._

_"Summer, please," Seth pleads. "Just let us finish this round."_

"_I swear to you, Cohen, if you don't stop playing that stupid game right now, I'm walking out," she insists, stamping her foot._

"_She doesn't mean it," Seth remarks, looking at Ryan sideways. Ryan shrugs, his fingers never stopping._

"_You're going to lose," he points out to his friend._

"_Right," Seth says, raising an eyebrow. He focuses on his game intently for thirty seconds and when he looks up, Summer is stalking towards the front door._

"_I think she means it," Ryan deadpans as Seth throws the controller at him and runs to Summer. Ryan looks up at Marissa and hands her the controller. "You game?"_

"_Game?" she asks, raising her eyebrow. "I'm gonna kick your ass."_

_They play silently for a while until Ryan turns to Marissa._

"_What's with Summer?" he asks, his curiosity getting the better of him. They can hear Summer and Seth's voices in the distance._

"_Nothing really," Marissa answers. "She just likes to be the center of attention."_

"_Figured as much," Ryan answers. He looks at watch and holds a hand out to Marissa. "You ready?"_

"_As I'll ever be," she sighs, standing up. "Who let them pick the DVD anyway?"_

"_You," Ryan points out._

"_You want to see Final Destination, don't you?" Marissa accuses._

"_I saw it a hundred years ago when it first came out," he says, confusion crossing his face. "You've never seen it?"_

"_Never want too," she shoots back. they make their way across the backyard and into the Cohen's kitchen. Marissa holds an arm out to stop Ryan before he enters. "Look."_

_Seth is holding Summer. Her head is cradled on his chest. She looks up at him and smiles and says something. He smiles back at her and kisses her. They stand, looking up at each other for a good thirty seconds before they realize Ryan and Marissa standing there._

"_You two are disgustingly gooey," Marissa says, walking past them._

"_Says one half of the couple most likely to display affection in public," Seth shoots back._

"_Snap," Ryan says, and everyone laughs._


	10. Man Enough

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Here's your next chapter. I hope you all like. It makes me so happy when I get yoru reviews. You all really seem to like this story. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Silver Eyed:** New fan, yay! I have to admit I don't know what a 'wonderwall' is. Something in a future episode, maybe? No, this isn't a 'la-dee-da' story. At least, I'm trying not to let it be and I will be adding an epilogue to 'Intertwined' soon before I start working on a sequel.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Nine:** Man Enough

_Summer sits up straight in her bed. She looks around the unfamiliar room as she struggles to breathe. 'Calm down,' she tells herself as she chokes. 'Calm down or you won't be able to breathe.'_

_She calms down and slows her rapid, gasping breaths down and substitutes swallowing oxygen in over-sized gulps to sipping in small amounts of air. The breeze moves a tree branch outside and Summer remembers the dreams that ripped her out of her peaceful sleep. The first sleep she's had in three days since the incident happened. They slam into her and softly, so as not to wake anyone, she starts to cry..._

_--_

"_You know you want too," Zach says, breathing all over her face._

"_No, Zach. I don't want too," she says. She is tired of fighting and thinks that giving in would be so easy but the jabbing pain from where only five minutes ago he punched her in the face tells her that yes, it would be that bad._

"_But you're here," he whispers, leaning closer. "So you must."_

"_I already told you why I'm here Zach," she tries. She steps away but he grabs her arm and pulls her closer. She gazes into the golden eyes that were once harmless and friendly. "Zach, just leave me alone. Let me go."_

"_Zach, please. Let me go," he mimics back. He puts his face right into hers. "No."_

"_Zach," she pleads. Her voice is becoming hoarse and she needs a drink. Zach looks at her and smiles. She breaks eye contact and looks towards the beach._

"_Look at me, Summer," he demands in a chilling voice. She shakes her head and so he violently grabs her chin and twists her face to him. He grabs her face and tilts it up to him and kisses her hard. His tongue licks her teeth and in a moment of inspiration, she bites his lip. He yelps and spits the blood back into her face. He pushes her away lightly and she takes the chance to stumble away from the side of the car where he has had her pinned._

_Her pants catch under her sole and she stumbles. Zach is behind her and tackles her to the ground before she can crawl away._

"_You aren't going anywhere," he singsongs. She smells the alcohol in his breath and shudder. He is drunk but that is no excuse. She wonders briefly what it is about normally sane and kind boys and alcohol that turns them into… monsters._

"_Zach, no," she pleads. She is starting to cry now but he doesn't care, it only eggs him on. He kisses her again and she feels like throwing up. When she rolls over and tries to crawl away, she feels a stinging blow on the back of her head. Zach grabs her leg and rolls her back over._

"_This is it," he says, roughly pulling on her pants. "I've waited long enough."_

"_Zach, I don't want to do this," she cries. He looks at her and smiles devilishly._

"_You should have thought of that before," he whispers. He rips open her shirt and trails kisses all over stomach. He feels her shaking and struggling, but he is resolute. "Where's your Cohen to save you now?"_

_Just the name is enough to move something inside her. She is now, more than ever, determined not to let this go further. Cohen would hate her if he thought she had done anything. Suddenly, the sky breaks and a wall of water splashes down onto them. The cool rain energizes her and she knows what she has to do. She glances up at Zach who is straddling her but has stopped caressing her to look up at the rain. Zach loves pain. He works off it, she knows this. He was feeding off her anguish over Cohen when he started this._

_Summer feels his hand stroke the length of her hair and then continue down to her half open jeans. She pulls her knees together and rams the between his open legs. He yells out in pain and pulls the hair he is holding._

"_Ouch," she screams, as he pulls her head and slams it on the gravel of the parking lot. She is covered in cuts and bruises but she needs to get away so she rams her knees into his groin again. He screams again and she sees tears well up in his eyes as the agony overcomes him. He falls on top of her, clutching himself in pain. She is crying hysterically now but she needs to get away from. She becomes aware of the rain falling down around her again and she become alert again. She pushes Zach's body of hers and crawls towards the car. She hears him calling out to her, suddenly sorry and remorseful for what he's done but she doesn't care. She uses the car as a support and stands up._

_She glances back at Zach one more time and spits on the ground before turning and walking towards The Bait Shop where she knows Seth will be waiting for her._

_--_

_"Seth," she calls out softly, hearing a movement in the doorway._

"_Yeah, Summer. It's me," he says, coming towards her. He sits on the bed next to her. "Are you ok? You've been crying."_

"_I'm going to be ok," she offers._

"_I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "For leaving you. for letting this happen."_

"_It's ok," she says, automatically curling into him. she starts to cry again and he rocks her while stroking her shiny brown hair. "It's not your fault."_

"_You're with me now," he comforts. There is an edge to his voice and Summer knows he is deadly serious. "You're safe. You're going to be ok."_

"You ok, sweetie?" Kirsten asked, coming into the room followed by a nurse pushing a wheelchair.

"Hmm?" Summer replied, blinking. She tore her gaze away from a spot on the wall and looks at Kirsten. "I'm fine. I was just thinking… about that night."

"It was nearly eight years ago," Kirsten offered, a small but sympathetic smile stretching across her face.

"I know," Summer replied. "I don't even know why I was thinking about it."

"You want some good news?" Kirsten asked, changing the subject expertly.

"Sure," Summer said, sitting up straighter.

"I just talked to Dr. Roberts and he ahs agreed to let you go home," she smiled. Summer had been under observation for almost two weeks and with baby coming in two months, she didn't particularly want to spend any more time there. "On one condition."

"Of course there's a condition," Summer sighed.

"You have to take it easy," Kirsten replied, walking over to the cupboard. She started packing Summer's bag for her.

"I'm not exactly up to even walking down a set of stairs," Summer replied. "I think that's a given."

Kirsten stopped packing the bag and came over to Summer, cupping her face in her hands. She kissed her cheek and smiled.

"I love you, Summer," she smiled.

"I love you too," Summer replied automatically. Kirsten saw the confused smile on her face and she laughed.

"You're still making jokes and…" Kirsten started but trailed off, her happy demeanor momentarily replaced with a more morose and grieved on.

The nurse, sensing an awkward moment as she was trained to, stepped in.

"Mrs. Cohen, would you like to get into the wheelchair now?" she asked. Summer glanced down at the nametag and smiled.

"I'd love to Olivia."

Kirsten and Olivia helped Summer gingerly stand up and make the three steps necessary to slump into the wheelchair.

"You can do it, honey," Kirsten prodded her daughter in-law as Summer collapsed into the chair.

"Where's Seth?" Summer asked, after a few minutes. She watched Kirsten zip up the expensive Hermes suitcase she and Sandy had bought her for Christmas three years ago.

"I don't know," Kirsten shrugged. "I talked to him in the phone and he said he'd be here."

The both heard the familiar squeak of old bowling shoes on the linoleum floor and shared a knowing smile.

"I'm so sorry," Seth panted as he flung himself in through the door. He kissed first his mother and then walked over to Summer who tilted her cheek up to him and received a kiss. "First Alex was late and then there was a mix-up with the delivery guy but I made it."

Dr Roberts walked into the room and whispered something to Kirsten who rolled her eyes but laughed. He turned to Summer who was talking to Seth.

"I don't need to remind you take it easy and take your medication, do I?" he asked, feigning sternness. They had found a herbal remedy for Summer to take. She shook her head emphatically and rolled her eyes at him. "Didn't think so. Take care, Summer, Seth."

He flew out of the room, his white doctor's coat flying out like a cape behind him.

"Ready to go home, sweetie?"

"Yes," Seth sighed. "When we get there, will you make me a peanut butter sandwich?"

"I meant Summer," Kirsten replied, rolling her eyes. "She's my new favorite child."

"No fair," Seth pouted. "Mum."

"Don't Mum me," she laughed.

"You'll be sorry soon," Seth shot-back. "When I'm not here anymore."

"I don't think we really need you anyway, do we Sum?" Kirsten said, throwing him a haughty gaze.

"Nah," Summer said, as the nurse started pushing her towards the door. "I think we were doing just fine without him."

"Oh, wait. Can you grab Summer's bag, sweetie?" Kirsten asked in a sweet voice, trailing off behind her.

"Sure," Seth countered. "Because that's all I'm here for. To carry the bags. I'm only here because you need my manly strength."

"Right," Kirsten deadpanned. She was smiling because her son was becoming more and more like his old teenage self everyday. "Because you're such a manly man."

"I am," he retorted. "I'm the manliest manly man there ever was."

Olivia, the nurse, stopped pushing the wheelchair and gave Seth a once over before bursting out into laughter.

Summer and Kirsten had been faking cool, unaffected demeanors but after Olivia's outburst, they looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"You are so mean," Seth pouted. He eyed the Hermes bag he was carrying and looked at Summer. "You know, it's raining outside."

"And?" she asked, an eyebrow risen. They had just reached the main doors.

"If I decide not to bring the car around then your bag will get wet and it will be ruined," he said. He placed the bag on the floor next to the wheelchair and fished his keys out of his pocket.

"No," Summer said, her eyes bugging open. "Please don't hurt the bag."

"I wont," Seth said, as he watched Summer's chest visibly deflate as she let go of the breath she was holding. "If you do as I say."

She sucked in a breath again and pleaded at him with her eyes.

"I'll do anything," she breathed.

"Anything?" he asked in a sing-song voice.

"Yes," she squeaked, unsurely.

"Tell me I'm a man," he said, nodding at her.

"Yeah right," she shot back. "I can't lie."

"Lie or the bag's going," he replied.

"Seth, don't be mean to your wife," Kirsten pretended to scold.

"Mum, this is partly your fault," he retorted.

"What do I do, Kirsten?" Summer asked desperately.

"I don't know. Lie?" Kirsten shrugged.

"Fine," Summer sighed. She looked at Seth and then back at Kirsten and winked. She wasn't going to let him. "You're man enough for me."

"Really?" Seth asked, looking pleased. He leant over and kissed her cheek. "Honey, you made the right choice."

"Maybe," she muttered as he walked towards the car. "Maybe."


	11. The Simple Things

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** I think I need to explain something. I agree that Seth is as said a 'beanpole,' but that was the whole point of the chapter, joking about Seth's masculinity. It was supposed to be a joke but you all seemed either confused or didn't get it, lol. Anyway, I am so sorry this took so long. I've barely been at home for a week. Here's your next chapter. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**welcometotheoc**: Thank you very much for that. I just had no idea.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Ten:** The Simple Things

"Hey," Marissa said softly, as she stepped into Summer's bedroom. She walked along the cream carpet and sat on the edge of the blue satin quilted bed.

"Hey," Summer smiled weakly. She winked and waved at Alexis who had traipsed in behind her mother. "Come here."

Alexis walked over to Summer and held her arms out. Summer gratefully leaned into them and patted Lexie on the back as Marissa positioned herself comfortably next to Summer. She climbed in bed and over Summer and settled in her mother's arms.

"Kirsten told me that you had to go back in two weeks," Marissa said. "To have the baby."

"Yeah," Summer sighed. "They're inducing me."

"Juicing you?" Alexis asked, looking confused. She started playing with Summer's hair, absently and messily braiding just like her mother was teaching her to do.

"No, honey," Marissa started to correct through her laughs. "It means that they give Aunty Summer a needle so she has the baby."

"Maybe it will be an orange juice baby," Summer suggested. "Or an apple and cranberry."

"How about a lemonade baby?" Alexis asked, getting excited.

"Or Fanta?" Summer suggested, her eyes growing wide.

"Or a chocolate milkshake baby?" Alexis shrieked, her eyes lit up and wide. "Chocolate milkshake is my favorite."

"Honey, you need to calm down," Marissa said, wincing at the sound of her daughter's loud voice.

"I know it is," Summer said over the top of her. She gave Marissa a look that simply said 'I'm fine.' "A chocolate milkshake baby it is."

"Lexie, can you please go and see what Daddy and Uncle Seth are doing for dinner," Marissa asked.

"But Mum," Alexis whined. She clutched onto Summer's hands. "Aunty Summer wants me to stay here, don't you?"

"Of course I do, sweetie, but Mummy wants you to go see Daddy and Uncle Seth," Summer said, kissing her niece's cheek. "I think Grandpa's here too. Didn't he promise you he'd teach you how to play 'Kings and Scumbags?'"

"So?" Alexis pouted. "I want to stay here and talk to you. I miss you."

"I miss you too, sweetie," Summer said, trying not to roll her eyes. "But when my little baby is all grown-up, it's going to need someone to teach it to play 'Kings and Scumbags,' isn't it?"

"Yeah, I 'spose," Alexis answered, obviously torn between learning how to play a 'Grown-up's' game or staying with her beloved Aunty Summer. Eventually, the promise of being included with the grown-up's won out and after kissing both her mother and her aunt, Alexis skipped off to find her father.

"I have a sudden craving for a chocolate milkshake," Summer pouted. She looked out after Alexis and called her back. "Sweetie, can you ask Uncle Seth to come here?"

"Ok," Alexis said, running off again.

"You're really good with her," Marissa said, turning to Summer and smiling. "Remember when you didn't want to have any kids?"

"Yeah, vaguely," Summer said, a wistful look crossing her face. "I can't imagine why now. This baby is the only thing keeping me alive."

_"Children? Eww," Summer says glancing at Marissa. "I never ever want to have kids."_

"_Why not?" Julie Cooper asks from the front seat. She turns and smiles at Marissa affectionately who smiles back. They are still friends._

"_because they're sticky and they're gross and they take all of your time," Summer explains as if it's the most obvious. "They get your clothes dirty and people think they're cuter than you and take all the attention away."_

"_Selfish a little, Sum?" Marissa asks, rolling her eyes. She stifles a laugh._

"_They aren't that bad," Julie shoots back. "Marissa wasn't that sticky. Just a little noisy and she smelt sometimes."_

"_Hey," Marissa shouts, throwing a piece of gum at her mother's head._

"_Maybe," Summer says. "But really, I'm just not ready to make the sacrifice that involves having children. I'd rather people paid a little attention to me first."_

"_I don't know what I'd do without Marissa," Julie says, gaining brownie points. "And really, I'm surprised. I would have thought you would have loved to have a child, Summer. Something to dress up and spend money on?"_

"_Please, Mrs. Cooper," Summer sighs, holding her hands out in front of her. "Money that could be spent on me? No thank you. no children for me."_

"Summer," Marissa started to say but Summer silenced her.

"Marissa, please don't make this any harder for me than it already is," Summer whispered. She reached for Marissa's hand and clutched it, bringing it up to her lips and kissing it. "I'm not going to make it."

"Cohen, please don't say that," Marissa begged. "You're going to be fine. You're my best friend. You have to be fine."

"And you're mine, Coop," Summer smiled weakly. "Nothing is going to change that."

"Good," Marissa said, as tears pricked at her eyes. She let them run in hot trails down her face, her neck and land on the blue satin quilt in mismatched blobs. "As long as you know that."

"I need you to promise me something," Summer said, suddenly serious. "I need you to promise that no matter what happens, you will be there for this child."

"I'm not going anywhere," Marissa answered. "I promise."

"This baby is going to need a mother," Summer explained. "And if I'm not here, you're the only person I trust."

"This baby needs to know its mother," Marissa replied. "It needs you."

"I know you aren't going to try and take over this baby, that you'll make sure it knows about me and that's why I trust you," she said. "If this baby is anything like me, Seth won't be able to handle it. You need to make sure that doesn't happen and if it does, I need to know this baby is in good hands."

"You're not going to die," Marissa said, suddenly. She blinked back the tears that had appeared in her eyes and started talking boldly. "You're going to have this baby and you're going to start having Chemotherapy again and you're going to be okay."

"How do I look?" Summer asked, changing the subject.

"What?" Marissa asked, shocked by the sudden change of conversation.

"How do I look, Coop?" she asked again. "Truthfully."

"You've looked better, I guess," Marissa replied, turning away. She bit back a smile that appeared on her face and turned to Summer who was laughing. "Sick. Tired. Pregnant."

"You're right. I've never looked this bad," Summer laughed. She turned to Marissa. "Look at this. I have wrinkles. My skin is sagging and yellow. I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. My hair is thinning. Apparently my eyes are bloodshot too. I wouldn't want to live looking like this."

Marissa looked at her like she was insane before she realized Summer was joking.

"You're still beautiful to me," she answered truthfully. "And I am so proud of you."

Seth appeared in the doorway.

"I don't know why you're proud of me but thanks," he smiled. He looked over at Summer. "A certain Miss Alexis told me you required my dashing and debonair presence."

"I want a chocolate milkshake," Summer demanded.

"And I want a hot fudge sundae," Marissa piped up. "And some of those little donut holes."

"How are you so skinny?"

"I have a fast metabolism," she smiled.

"Anything else Miss Metabolism and Miss 'I-Can't-Get-Out-Of-Bed-Today?'" he asked, sarcastically.

"Umm, no," Summer said, pretending to think it over.

"As you wish," he said, imitating Wesley from the Princess Bride, which Summer had forced him to watch last night when she couldn't sleep. Seth walked over to the dresser and grabbed his wallet and keys off it. He kissed Summer on the forehead and walked to the door.

As soon as he left, Marissa turned to Summer and winked at her conspiratorially.

"Want to play a game?" she asked.

"Sure," Summer said. "What is it?"

"I ask you a question and you answer it."

"Suppose I have nothing better to do," Summer shrugged and re-arranged herself on the bed. "What's your question?"

"What is the one thing you regret about this?" Marissa asked, shocking Summer. She had been bracing herself for a 'Why are you so sure you're going to die?' or an 'If you could change anything in your life, what would it be?' type.

She was silent for a moment as she mulled over the answer but suddenly, it came to her in a flash.

"I wish that everyone would let me talk," she said, the words spewing violently out. "I try to tell everyone that I'm not going to make it. I try to tell them what I want for my funeral or for my child, for their life but no one wants to hear it. No one wants to accept what I already know. Even if no one wants to accept it or believe it, they could at least listen to me. That's all I ever wanted. That's all I regret. The fact that everyone is making me bottle up my feelings because they can't handle it."

Marissa flinched at the brutality and accusing in her friend's voice. She leant back on the headboard and leaned slightly away.

"I'm sorry," she said simply. It was the simple things that Summer liked now. The feel of silk or cotton or jersey against her skin. Hot water falling from the shower onto her tense neck. The smell of flowers, of cookies baking. The taste of orange juice or chocolate. A warm breeze blowing through the roof. Sitting in the backyard drinking tea with Kirsten and Marissa. Listening to the sea crash on the white shore. The sound of her husband's voice or the sound Alexis's laugh. The feel of moisturizer rubbed into her hands, her face. Feeling Alexis's hands running through her hair or pressed against her as she slept. Sleeping next to her husband and feeling him warm and alive, pressed against her. She didn't like wasting time, time that was, for her, limited. Marissa knew she didn't want to waste her precious minutes left with a long, winding apology or clichéd explanation.

"I know," Summer replied just as truthfully and simply. Seth returned and dished out the food, leaving quickly, as if he could sense there were important conversations in progress. Summer spilt out all her feelings over the next half an hour as Marissa listened attentively and replied only when extremely necessary.

"I just feel like there's this whole other disease that's sleeping inside of me and if I don't let all my feelings out, it's going to eat me alive and it's going to be worse than the cancer," Summer said, winding off her speech. "And I feel like every time I talk and someone actually listens to me, it goes away a little."

"Say that again," Marissa demanded, sitting up.

"what?" Summer asked, shocked. This was supposed to be her healing time.

"The cancer," Marissa said. She wiped a few tears of her face and smiled. "No-one ever calls it that. We all call it the sickness, or the disease. We never call it what it is."

"I love you," Summer said, running a hand over Marissa's face. "Thank you."

"You're my best friend," Marissa said, shaking her head as more tears ran down her face. "It's what I'm here for."


	12. Cabin Fever

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sorry for the sporadic updates recently. Like I explained, I'm barley ever at home. I'm ALWAYS at work. I'm sorry this took so long but here's your next chapter. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Eleven:** Cabin Fever

Summer sighed as she fingered the spine of 'The Valley' DVD case that rested in her frail hands. She picked up the remote and skipped forward a scene in search of her favourite. She watched it and sighed again. Nothing.

She was so bored that even 'The Valley' didn't placate her. She ran her fingers down and across the Belly.

"I wish you would just hurry up and come out, little one," she said, in a singsong voice. "So then Mummy would have someone to play with and dress-up and feed and change."

There was a knock on the doorjamb. Ryan stuck his head around the corner and smiled at her, his eyes wrinkling like they always did when he was genuinely happy.

"Want some company?" he asked, taking a step so he stood directly in the doorjamb.

"Sure," Summer said, flicking the television off. Ryan stepped towards her and hesitated before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Summer rolled her eyed and stifled a laugh. She patted the bed next to her. "Don't be such a prude. Come sit here."

Ryan settled into position next to her and carefully pried the remote from her fingers. He flicked the television back on and turned to Summer.

"What are we watching?" he asked.

"The Valley," she replied, in monotone. Her eyes were dull and staring straight at the television.

"You don't really want to be watching this, do you?" Ryan asked gently.

"Nope," Summer said. "I'd rather watch paint peel. Will you paint something for me so I can watch it peel?"

"I knew this would happen," Ryan sighed.

"What?" Summer asked vaguely as she began to scratch nail polish off her clumsily painted fingernails.

"That you'd get cabin fever. That you'd get bored," Ryan replied in his obvious voice. "Why do you think I'm here?"

They both knew full well why Ryan was here. Sandy and Kirsten had taken so much time off work to look after their daughter in-law that they'd been threatened with losing their jobs if they didn't return briefly. Seth was using his position of co-owner of the Bait Shop to get a little bit of 'me' time everyday and Marissa and Julie had taken Lexie into L.A. to get a modeling portfolio done at Julie's insistence. Ryan was the only one left that could look after Summer and try to stop her from scratching holes in her arms to alleviate the boredom.

"If you don't want to be here, just go," she snapped back and then smiled. "Hey, that was fun. Can we fight some more?"

"I don't particularly want to fight," he replied. "And I do want to be here. Hey, I could go for a Balboa bar right now. Wanna go to the Pier?"

"Uh, Ryan. I don't know if you've been told but I'm eight months pregnant, I have leukemia and I'm going to be induced in a week," Summer replied. "I don't think I can leave the house."

"You can," Ryan said, standing up. "I talked to your doctor this morning and he said it would be fine if I took you down to the Pier. In fact, I think his exact words were 'I think that that's a splendid idea. I think it will be great for boosting morale in the trenches.'"

Summer smiled. She didn't know why. Maybe it was because of the stuffy way her doctor talked or if it was because Ryan had been so sweet. She looked up at Ryan, the smile still plastered on her face and suddenly, she began to cry.

"Hey," he said, helping her sit up. "It's okay. You're only going outside for half an hour."

"Thank you," she whispered into his shoulder. He stroked her hair and pulled back to look into her eyes. "Thank you for this. For everything. For lending me your wife and for being here for me. Means a lot."

"You'd do the same for me," he said, hoisting her into his arms. He grabbed her handbag off the bureau and a knitted shawl for her and proceeded to carry her down the stairs.

"I wouldn't say that," Summer said. Ryan looked at her in confusion. "I wouldn't do exactly the same for you. I'm not strong enough to carry you down a flight of stairs."

"No, I don't suppose you are," Ryan said, setting her down just outside the front door. She walked gingerly over to the car with Ryan's help and slipped into the seat. Ryan walked around to the other side and hopped into the driver's seat. He turned the car on and drove out of the driveway.

"Wow," Summer breathed. She had the window down and was letting the breeze lift her hair into a veil of dark brown.

"You like that, huh?" Ryan laughed as he switched lanes.

"I never thought I'd feel fresh air on my face again," Summer sighed. "You're the best, Ryan."

"Why, thank you," he smiled.

_"Ryan, put me down!" Summer shrieks. She grabs the nearest pillow and begins hitting him with it. he laughs and steps back but does not release her._

"_Hey, leave my boyfriend alone," Marissa laughs. She is sprawled across her bed watching as Summer and Ryan play around. Eventually, Ryan places Summer back down on the ground._

"_Bet you'll never threaten to snap me in half again," Ryan retorts._

"_Bet you're wrong," Summer replies, picking up her handbag. She pokes her tongue out at Ryan and then blows a kiss at her best friend. "Later, Coop, Chino."_

"_Later," Ryan mocks, going to lie next to Marissa. Marissa laughs and then slaps him lightly. Ryan's hand automatically rests on Marissa's stomach and brushes a stray hair off her face._

"_Bye, Summer," Marissa calls out after her best friend. She turns to her boyfriend and smiles. "You two are so entertaining. And you make the weirdest friends."_

"_I know," Ryan agrees._

"_I mean, she is little Miss Bubbly and Smartass 2005 and you're Mr. Broody Bad-Man," Marissa continues. Ryan rolls his eyes._

"_When was the last time you saw me brood or Summer bubble?" he asks._

"_It's just a figure of speech," Marissa says, affecting the voice and mannerisms of their English teacher. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you're complete opposites and yet, you get along so well."_

"_I like her," Ryan finally admits. "I guess, we just get each other. I mean, we do share our best friends. We should get along well, right?"_

_"Right," Marissa agrees. She pulls Ryan towards her and kisses him. "As long as we always get along better."_

Summer let Ryan help her walk onto the sand. She sank into gratefully as she attacked her Balboa bar.

"Has the beach always been this beautiful?" Summer asked, licking her ice cream eagerly.

"Yeah, I guess," Ryan laughed. He finished his ice cream and sat down next to Summer who automatically leaned her onto his shoulder. She shivered slightly in the cool breeze that flew past them. "Cold?"

"Just a little," she said, nodding her head. She continued to lick the ice cream. "Thanks for bringing me here. I was going crazy. It's always weird to think that the world goes on around me when I'm stuck inside."

"That's ok," Ryan replied, pulling Summer's shawl around her. She smiled at him. he opened his mouth to talk to her but he closed it quickly. They were silent for a while and Ryan watched Summer's face. She had the tiniest hint of a smile on her pale, make-up less face. Her brown hair was in it's stock messy-bun and even with the strain of the leukemia, she had that subtle glow that all pregnant women seem to have. Ryan sighed as he looked at her. Marissa was right. She really was still beautiful. Despite everything. She was stronger than any of them, although not physically. If Ryan was much with words, he would have told her but he couldn't find the words.

"I know," she said.

"Pardon?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"I was never good with words either," she explained. "I was more of a show-er and you show me you love me and that you think I'm strong enough."

He smiled at her and she smiled back, understanding in their eyes. That's why they always got along, why they meshed. It was good to have someone who didn't have to verbalise everything and they both knew it. Ryan pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear.

"Coop did good," she said with a smile.

"Why thank you. Seth didn't do to badly either."

"Didn't do to badly?" Summer cried, hitting Ryan on the chest. He winced when he heard how weak her normally boisterous voice and was and felt how weak her normally painful slap was. "Cohen got the best."

"Fine. You win," Ryan sighed, eventually. "He got the best."

"Don't let Coop hear you say that," Summer joked.

"Wasn't planning on it," Ryan muttered under his breath. He leant over and kissed her smooth cheek. She turned to him in careless abandon and smiled.

"Are you hitting on me?" she asked, coyly raising an eyebrow.

"I can't help it," he shrugged. "You're just too cute."

"Sorry, I'm a married woman," she laughed lightly.

"Can't blame a man for trying," he said. they sunk into silence again. "You want to go yet?"

"Can we just stay a little longer, please?" she asked, no hint of the whine that had followed her through high school. Ryan nodded at her request and she smiled and lifted her face to the sun.

"Whatever you want."


	13. Dignity

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sorry, as always for not updating sooner but I've actually been in the beautiful Nelson's Bay for the past two days so I have an excuse. Sorry if anyone here is Australian and lives in Nelson's Bay but the shopping center at Salamander Bay is shocking. Anyway, here is your update. THANKS for my reviews. We're past the 250 mark! YAY! I nearly made it to 200 with 'Intertwined,' lol. I really don't mean to be bitchy and I know you all want Seth/Summer time but I just want to explain that not only is this not an S/S story, and I'm also trying to incorporate everyone else into the story, I also have to be in the mood to write Seth. He's a hard character to write. I think if I think if I write to much, I'll overwrite the S/S relationship and it'll become boring and mushy and I DON'T want to do that. I promise there WILL be S/S time. I just cant tell you when and I don't like being pressured because if you were reading a novel, you couldn't tell the author what to do, it's already been written. That being said, this is a S/S chapter… Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Twelve:** Dignity

"Hey," Seth whispered as he entered the bedroom later that night.

"Hey," Summer smiled back sleepily. She stretched and moved herself slightly as she watched Seth wrestle with his sock. "How was work?"

"Hectic," Seth answered, sitting down on the bed to pull his socks off. He leaned over and kissed Summer on her cheek. "The Walkmen are coming back. You should come to the show."

"Ha," Summer said. "I'm sure my doctor would allow that."

"He let you go to the beach with Ryan," Seth answered, a serious look on the face. Summer laughed again and slapped Seth's pleading hands down.

"I can't," she answered shaking her head.

"Then I won't go either," Seth said, turning away. He turned to her with a pout on his face and blank at her with puppy dog eyes.

"No," Summer said, shaking her head. "You have to go. If you don't go, Alex will kill you. And anyway, they're one of your favourite bands. I'm not going to let you miss out"

"But, Sum," Seth said, glancing at her with an 'Are you sure this is what you want look?'

"No but's, Cohen," she said adamantly. "You're going. And I'm the sick one. You have to do what I tell you to do."

"If it's what will make you happy," Seth said dramatically. He struck a pose and looked at her. "I will do whatever you want."

"Come to bed," Summer said, patting the bed next to her. She yawned and Seth removed his clothes down to his white cotton t-shirt and boxers, switched off the light and hopped into bed next to his wife. She moved closer to him and rested her head against his shoulder as their backs rested against the chocolate suede bed head. She let out a satisfied groan as Seth traced patterns on her hand. He moved his hand and head down the 'Belly' and kissed it.

"I think I can feel its feet," Seth said, lightly patting a bump on Summer's expanded stomach. Summer winced as the baby kicked. Seth pulled back and beamed up at her.

"I guess you felt that, huh?" she asked, a smile on her face. She winced lightly as the baby kicked again.

"I really think Mummy wishes you'd stop," Seth said in a faux-serious tone. "You see she's really sick and we need you to be as still as possible so she can get better."

"Seth," Summer said in a soft voice. "Don't."

"We never talk about it anymore," Seth said seriously. He moved and sat back up next to Summer after kissing the 'Belly' again.

"I'm not good with words," Summer reminded him. She moved as far away as her tired and pregnant body would let her. "You know we don't have to talk about it. Maybe I can't deal with it tonight."

"We both know that's not true," Seth said. "You are the only one who can deal with it, Sum."

"Maybe I don't want to deal with it," Summer replied. "Or I just want a night off. Or maybe talking to you is like talking to a brick wall."

"And maybe this brick wall wants to collapse and I want to talk about it," Seth exploded.

"Seth," Summer said, exasperated and slightly angry. Seth stopped and looked at her. "I know what the next words out of your mouth are going to be which is why I'm telling you, we are not having this conversation right now."

"But, Summer," Seth said.

"I just want one night where I don't have to think about it. When I don't have to deal with it," Summer sighed, moving back over to Seth and resting her head on his chest. He kissed her hair and began running his fingers through it and in the process, cradled her head. "Can't we just have a night where we sit in bed and we kiss and we talk and banter just like we used too?"

"Sure," he whispered, blinking back tears she would never see. They sat in silence as Seth's fingers moved through Summer's hair.

"We're going to have a baby in two weeks," Summer whispered.

"I know," Seth replied, having a hard time keeping the smile out of his voice.

"We haven't even thought of names," Summer replied, smiling as she realized how easy it was for them to step back into the people they used to be. "And if you even suggest Thor, I will shoot you."

"Funny," Seth shot back. "But there is no way I would call my daughter Thor. Barbarella, maybe or Lois. Wonder, even but Thor. I do have some dignity."

"Barbarella?" Summer laughed. "Barbarella and dignity do not go in the same sentence."

"What are you talking about? She was hot," Seth retorted. Summer turned to look up at him and laughed in his face.

"What about me?" she asked, blinking at him.

"Me? That's a stupid name. That's worse than Kneevil," Seth said. Summer rolled her eyes at him and he leant down and kissed her. "You know you're beautiful."

"Eww," Summer said, sitting up straight. "I wish people would stop telling me that."

"Why?" Seth asked, sounding more shocked than Summer had ever head. She looked over at him and sighed.

"Please do not tell me that we're going to start that whole junior high thing again," she shot-back. "I'm so over being completely adored."

"Not really," Seth whispered in a singsong voice. She smacked him lightly on the arm and laughed.

"Not at much," she admitted. "Not when I know I look like crap, anyway."

Seth rolled his eyes at Summer. She would not believe anyone that despite her un-groomed appearance, she was still beautiful.

"Oh, come on," she cried, her voice weak as always. "I haven't had my hair done for months. I haven't worn make-up in ages. I need an eyebrow wax, a Dermatologist appointment, my nails done and a whole bunch of other stuff you as a male wouldn't understand."

"So, anyway. About this name business," Seth said, abruptly changing the conversation.

"I was thinking," Summer started but was interrupted by Seth.

"I suppose you want to work my mum and/or Marissa's name into it," he finished for her.

"Yeah," Summer admitted a little sheepishly. "Is that corny?"

"Well, Marissa and Ryan did half name their kid after you," Seth said. "So I guess we're just repaying the favour."

"Right," Summer replied. "So, I've been thinking about it and I was thinking maybe we could take the middle names of both of them and figure out what order they went best in."

"Emily for Marissa and for Leanne my Mum," Seth answered. He looked at her and gave her a withering glare. "Summer, you have two choices. Emily Leanne or Leanne Emily."

"Emily Leanne," Summer said automatically. "Emily Leanne Cohen."

"Emily Cohen," Seth said, tasting the words in his mouth. "Emily Leanne Cohen. I like it."

"Me too," Summer smiled, snuggling back into Seth. She smiled and kissed his t-shirted shoulder. "I am so glad that's out of the way."

"What do you want to do now?" Seth asked, stretching out.

"This," Summer said, kissing him. "I feel like we never get time to ourselves anymore and when we are together, we're talking about the leukemia or what to do if I die."

"Shh," Seth said, placing a finger on her lips. He kissed her once, twice, three times and then pulled away. "As much as I wish we could keep doing this all night, you need your rest."

"Cohen," she whined but he was adamant.

"I can tell you're exhausted," Seth said. "You need to get some sleep."

"Will you at least rub my back?" Summer asked, as he helped her get into position.

"I'll do whatever you want," he said, as his fingers caressed her back. She sighed blissfully as she drifted into sleep.

"Love you," she murmured.

"I love you too," Seth whispered. He felt Summer's body relax completely and listened as her breathing became even and regular. He used to love to watch her sleeping but he hadn't always made the time to do so, assuming that he would have his whole life to. But not anymore. He took nothing they did for granted anymore, not knowing whether it would be the last time they would to it, whether it would be the last time he kissed her or the last chance he had to tell her he loved her.

Seth used to love watching Summer sleep. He used to smile down at her peaceful face, a face void of pain, of distraction, or anything but complacency. Now, he looked down at her and he blinked back the tears. Her face was paler than it had ever been, more constricted, less brave. He memorized every feature, breathed in every movement, saw everything flutter of an eyelid. He knew when she was gone, these memories would be all he had to hold onto. They would be all he had left of his wife, the only proof she ever existed, that what they had was real. Every night, he watched her and he watched her and he cried over her face and his hands outlined every feature. He always brushed his mouth across her eyes, across her nose, her forehead and her lips. He whispered good night and he kissed her swollen stomach. Every night, the same. Every night, no change.

Seth didn't know if Summer knew what he was doing. didn't know if Summer could feel his tears or could hear the sobs that racked his body, or hear him crying that he couldn't live without her. If she could, she never told him. and that was one thing she gave him. she left him with his dignity.

He did it again tonight. He cried over her, kissed her face, her stomach, whispered goodnight and rolled over. It never changed. It never would.

_"Seth, I want you to promise me one thing," Summer says suddenly, looking over at him._

_"What?" he shoots back grumpily. They have just been arguing and he isn't quite sure he's ready to forgive his wife of four months._

_"I want you to promise me that every night, no matter what mood we're in, and I mean no matter WHAT mood. Even if we've been fighting or we are so mad at each other, promise me that you will continue to kiss me on the cheek and say good night every night," she demands. "Every night."_

_"What for?" he asks, before committing to anything._

_"Because that way, I'll know you'll still love me in the morning," she explains, her voice growing quieter as she becomes slightly embarrassed._

_"You should never doubt my love for you," he laughs, ready to forgive her._

_"I don't," she answers but she looks at him. "Please promise me."_

_"Ok. I promise," Seth says, kissing her._

_"It's stupid, isn't it?" she replies._

_"You thinking I could ever wake up in the morning and love you is stupid," Seth answers. "I've been in love with you since the minute I met you. The minute!"_

_"I know," she replies, looking away again. "I'm sorry I was so mean to you."_

_"I got the girl," Seth says, in a slightly cocky voice. "I think I can get over it."_


	14. Preparation

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Again, sorry for not updating sooner. I rarely ever get computer time, which is driving me insane. My siblings say they need it for school and I catch them on the 'Disney Princesses' site or or Losers. I feel bad, like I'm letting you down when I don't update but I write when I can and I hope you appreciate it. Thanks SO much for your reviews. They make what I'm doing seem worthwhile, even though I'd do it anyway. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Thirteen:** Preparation

Summer sang along to the 'Bangles' C.D that was whizzing around her and Seth's state-of-the-art stereo. Eternal Flame came on and Summer screamed.

"I love this song," she smiled, as she drew a line around her pale, thinning lips with bright bed lip pencil.

"I can't believe we're listening to this crap," Seth sighed. He was lying on the bed with a pillow over his head, groaning at thirty-second intervals. "Can you turn it off please? This is torture."

"No, honey," she cooed. "Having leukemia and being pregnancy at the same time is torture."

"Ouch," he said, sitting up, the playful and jovial mood gone. "Must you be so flip?"

"Seth, I'm not going to pretend this isn't my life," she said. "It's killing me to being sitting here right now instead of curled up on my bed. My insides are aching but that's just the way my life is."

"That made no sense whatsoever," Seth sighed. "I was talking about you being so flip about the cancer."

"I know what you meant, Cohen," she said, pouting as she filled the red onto her lips. "And I told you. This is my life. I'm not going to pretend it isn't."

"Can we just have one night without maudlin and sappy moments?" Seth asked, opening one eye. He reached over and paused the C.D.

"Nope," Summer said, reaching over for her eyeliner. "This is our life now. We're happy and normal until you take offense to one of my jokes or vice versa and then we become 'maudlin and morose' as you say."

"I said 'sappy.'"

"I've heard you say morose," she shot-back. "I'm going to die, Seth. Get used to it."

"Again, Summer, must you?" he asked, cringing. He turned softer after she shot him a withering glare. "You aren't going to die."

"We have had this conversation," Summer said. "And the outcome is always the same."

"Well, if you're so sure, must you be so blasé about it?" he asked.

"I'm not blasé about dying, Cohen," she answered, putting the eyeliner back down on the dressing table her plastic surgeon father had bought her for her sixteenth birthday. "It kills me, pardon the pun. I don't want to leave you behind. I don't want to leave you alone. I don't want to leave this baby before I get to see it grow up. I don't want to leave Ryan who would kill for me, to leave Marissa who is my best friend, to leave Kirsten who loves me more than my own mother, to leave Sandy who is the rock of this family. I don't want to leave my father, who loves me more than anyone but you. I don't even want to leave Alex or to leave my stepmother. But I most of all, don't want to leave you."

"So, don't," Seth said, his eyes slightly watering up. He cast her his puppy-dog look and the tears welled up in her eyes and fell slowly, hotly down her cheek. She unsteadily walked over to him, somehow balancing her pregnant belly on her tiny and wasted frame. She came to the bed and leaned over and touched his cheek before kissing him.

"We will not have this conversation again, you hear me?" she asked. "I know you're having a hard time accepting it, and you should, but I don't want to talk about my dying with you anymore."

"That won't be a problem," Seth answered, looking up at her.

"Good," she said, weakly patting him on the head. She waddled back over to the dressing table and collapsed on the chair. "What am I going to wear?"

"I don't see why we have to have this dinner party anyway," he grumbled. "It's just going to be like all of the other Newport events. Ryan will start a fistfight. Julie's latest conquest will be modeled and revealed. Mum and Marissa will get drunk. Dad and Grandpa will probably spend the whole dinner talking about the wetlands deal. It's just going to be another Newport event."

"Ok, so. Ryan hasn't started a fight for years. The wetlands deal happened like, seven years ago. Marissa will have Lexie so she can't drink. Julie's married and your mother will be your mother," she said. "Come on, it'll be fun. Think of it as just another family dinner."

"Except that we'll be in public and there'll be other people there," Seth grumbled, hauling himself out of bed. He began buttoning the buttons on his shirt.

"That was last night," Summer sighed. Jimmy and Sandy had held a dinner party at the Lighthouse last night which they still owned and which was flourishing. It was only meant to be a small party. Sandy and Jimmy had decided to close the Lighthouse two nights before Summer went into hospital so that the family could have dinner but it had escalated and practically everyone Summer had been there to see her one last time. They'd left early, doctor's orders but tonight, the restaurant was being closed and only the closest family members and friends would be there and Summer was allowed to stay out for as long as she liked.

"Only the people who mean something to us," Summer said.

A knock came at the door and after a moment, Marissa stuck hr head around the door.

"You guys ready?" she asked.

"Are you joking?" Summer cried. "I haven't even finished my make-up. I don't even know what I'm wearing."

"I do," Marissa smiled, pulling a dry-cleaners bag out from behind her. "I'll finish your make-up and then we'll get you dressed. Seth, if you don't mind, we need some privacy."

"I'll just go find Ryan and Alexis," he said, standing up and grabbing his jacket.

"I left Alexis with our neighbors," Marissa said, putting eye shadow on Summer's sunken eyelid. "I thought this should just be our time."

"You didn't have to do that," Summer said, after Seth had left. "She's family."

"I just didn't want her to see me cry," Marissa admitted.

"You think you're going to cry?" Summer asked.

"Yes," Marissa said, as she blew across Summer's eyes to remove the excess eye shadow. She picked up the blush brush and told Summer to smile. "I think it's better for her if she stays home tonight but I'll bring her by the hospital before school so you can see her."

'_Maybe one last time,'_ were the words left unsaid but not unheard.

"Do I get to see my dress now?" Summer asked quickly. She could see that Marissa was going to burst into tears at any moment now.

"Sure," Marissa smiled, quickly and bravely blinking back the tears. She pulled the long white dress out of the bag. Summer gasped.

"Oh my gosh, Coop!" she said, tears welling up in her eyes. "You shouldn't have."

"I got it altered for you," Marissa explained. "We took the measurements of your clothes and I took it to work."

"Oh, Coop," Summer said, a sob rising in her voice as she took in the white silk dress that was covered in a layer of chiffon and beading. The spaghetti straps had been removed and a chiffon sleeves had been added, the plunge neckline stayed the same as did the fishtail bottom but the stomach had been altered to accommodate for her grown belly. She cried a little as she ran her hands down her favourite dress, the dress based loosely on her Cotillion dress… Her wedding dress.

"The last time you wore it, you were so happy," Marissa explained. "And tonight is your night. I want you to be so happy again."

"And I will be," Summer cried. "I promise."

She clung to Marissa and they let themselves cry for a minute exactly before they stopped and bravely wiped the tears away. Marissa kissed Summer's cheek and then pulled away, wiping her nose on a tissue that she'd pulled from her bra.

"Let's get you dressed," Marissa said, finally, after fixing up her and Summer's make-up.

"Do you think it's pathetic I need help getting dressed?" Summer asked, as she slipped her top over her head.

"Nah," said Marissa. "I think it's kind of cute."

A giggle.

"You're so hilarious," Summer laughed, the sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"And you married a Cohen," Marissa shot-back. "What does that say about you?"

A giggle.

"I felt sorry for the poor kid?" Summer tried but then sighed. "That I'm a stickler for losers."

"Or that you're a loser yourself?"

"Hey!" Kirsten cries, entering the room to see how the girls are getting on. "I married a Cohen."

A giggle.

"Exactly," Marissa answered, not entirely sure where she was going with her argument.

"Umm, Marissa, honey," Kirsten pointed out, not entirely joking, not entirely not. "You married an Atwood and this Atwood is simply an extension of the Cohen family."

"Whatever."

Another giggle.

_"Coop, I need some help getting my dress done up," Summer grumbles. She has a handful of material in her hands as she steps carefully towards her best friend._

"_Don't trip on the train, Summer," her stepmother calls out helpfully. Summer doesn't even dignify her with a glare._

"_Do you think it's pathetic I need help getting dressed?" Summer asks Marissa as she zips the silk and chiffon concoction up._

"_Nah," Marissa answers. "It just proves that you and Cohen are so right for each other."_

"_How?"_

"_Because, you're both self-absorbed and love attention?" Marissa jokes._

"_You married an Atwood," Summer shoots back. "From Chino. What does that say about you?"_

"_That I'm happy and in love," Marissa smiles._

"_Vomit," Summer says, making the motion with her hand._

"_Attractive," Marissa retorts with a giggle._

"_Better than you, Chino girl."_

"_Nah-uh," Marissa cries. "I'm better than you, Cohen-girl."_

"_Great comeback," Summer says. She sighs and turns to look at her reflection in the mirror. "So, because I'm self-absorbed, how do I look?"_

"_You look beautiful, Summer," Marissa answers, as both girls become serious. "Absolutely stunning. You're going to knock his socks off."_

"_That's if he wears any."_

"_And how about me?" Marissa asks, twirling around._

"_You look gorgeous, as always."_

"_Thank you," Marissa smiles. "Not as good as you though."_

"_Well, that's good," Summer says. "Because the bride is supposed to be the most beautiful of all."_

"_And you are."_


	15. One Step At A Time

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Look, look! An update two days after! SHOCK HORROR! Thanks SO much again for your reviews. They make what I'm doing seem worthwhile, even though I'd do it anyway. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**YellyBelly, Lil Aussie Alias Chick** (_My fellow Aussie. We have to stick together :)_): What do you two have in common? You all bought up something I hadn't even thought about which will be addressed in this chapter. This is dedicated to you guys because you inspired me. I don't want to give it away just yet so exactly what it is (if you haven't figured it out by the time you finish) is written in another A/N at the bottom. Thanks guys!

**Conaleigh Leonhart:** I just wanted to say thank you for not pleading with me to save Summer and for letting me write what I want. That's unusual, lol, but thanks.

**svocfanatic:** I'm glad to hear you appreciate the updates. Like I said, even though I'd do it anyway, it makes it worthwhile. If someone can enjoy it, that makes me happy.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Fourteen:** One Step At A Time

"Summer, you look beautiful," Sandy said, as he walked to the bedroom to help carry her down the stairs.

"Yeah, you do," Ryan agreed, his eyes meeting Marissa's. They smiled softly at each other, sadness looming in their eyes.

"Thanks," Summer said quietly. She held her arm out to her husband who practically ran to her side. "I had help."

"You ready to go?" Sandy asked. "Seth and I can carry you down the stairs."

"Wait," Summer called lightly as Seth and Sandy prepared to pick her up. They paused and stood back. "I want to walk."

"Summer, do you think that's such a good idea?" Kirsten asked. She had pasted her concerned mother look on her face but Summer could tell she was secretly proud of her daughter in-law. Summer looked over at Marissa, who had the same expression as Kirsten pasted on her own face.

"I don't care if it's a good idea," Summer said, as loudly as her body would let her. "But I want too. I need too."

"I think it'll be okay," Ryan piped up, standing up for her. "Dr Roberts never said she couldn't walk down the stairs. He didn't encourage it but I don't think just once will matter."

"Thank you, Ryan," Summer said, shooting him a smile.

"I think Ryan's right," Marissa agreed.

"You would," Seth shot back, half-joking, half… not.

"No, I really do," Marissa replied. "I think that it's Summer's choice and that walking down one set of stairs will be okay. I mean, she'll need help so it'll basically be like she's not walking down them anyway."

"Thanks, Coop," Summer said, rolling her eyes. Kirsten hid a smile but then opened her own mouth to talk.

"I tend to agree with Ryan and Marissa," she said.

"Kirsten," Sandy warned before he looked at the four that had ganged up on him and his son. "The doctor said no unnecessary physical movement."

"He also told me to make sure that morale was kept up and not to upset the patient," Ryan shot back. "She's walking down those stairs."

"Let's not get violent about it," Summer spoke up. "I just want to walk down a set of ten stairs."

"And you will," Ryan said, glaring at Sandy and Seth who had finally relented.

"Fine," Seth said. "Since you get everything you want anyway, you can walk down the stairs."

"Hey," she said, weakly swinging her bag at him and whipping him across the chest.

"Oh, because that really hurt Summer," he said.

"I tried," she said.

"Not very well."

"I'm sick," she shot-back. "I'm very weak. Just you wait until I'm better then I'll kick your pervy little ass."

The whole room paused as everyone's eyes somehow seemed to meet. Kirsten and Marissa glanced at each other, Ryan and Seth, Sandy and Summer, Sandy and Kirsten, Marissa and Seth, Ryan and Summer. All until everyone had looked each other in the eye. _'Just you wait until I'm better.'_

"Don't all look so surprised," she said, finally. Marissa turned away, turned into Ryan so her best friend didn't see her start to cry. "It's moments like these that make me not want to give up. All this time, I thought I was being realistic by saying I was going to die and all along, all I've been doing is hurting everyone and giving up. You all say I'm the strong one because I'm the only one who's able to focus on the inevitable but I'm not. I'm the weak one because I'm not fighting. I'm letting this disease take over me. I'm not being strong. But not anymore. I'm going to fight it."

"You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that," Kirsten said, finally breaking the silence. She had happy tears in her eyes and her voice cracked on certain words but throughout it, she smiled.

"I think I do," Summer smiled back. she sighed and ran a hand over her face to rub away any traces of make-up. Marissa was clinging onto Ryan and not letting go. Seth and Sandy were standing next to each other, staring at each other but Summer and Kirsten's eyes never left each other's. Eventually, Summer broke the silence. "Are we ready to go?"

"I think so," Sandy said finally. He offered Summer his arm.

"Thank you," she smiled as she took the steps necessary to exit the room. She walked slowly down the hallway and stopped when she got to the stairs. "Wait."

"What for?" Ryan asked, widening his eyes at her. "It's not that hard, Sum. You simply put one foot in front of the other and step down. Come on. Mariss and I will show you."

Marissa looked at her husband with incredulity. She shrugged her shoulders but followed him down the stairs.

"Come on, Sum," Ryan cajoled. "You've come this far. Don't stop now. And if you fall, Marissa and I will catch you."

"It's not that," Summer said, looking down at them. "It's just this is the last time I'm going to walk down these stairs for awhile."

"Yes," said Ryan. "And it's not going to be any different this time than it is the next time you do it except that next time, you'll be walking up and you'll probably have a baby in your arms. Let's go. I'm hungry."

Marissa lifted her hand to hit her husband but then she stopped and smiled at him instead.

"You're my hero," she whispered to him.

"Is that so?" he whispered back, his mouth barely moving. he knew that if Summer didn't walk down the steps now, she never would. Someone would get tired of waiting or would decide she didn't have the strength and they would carry her. But not Ryan, and not Marissa. They knew how important it was for her to do this.

Summer smiled at her husband bravely, who had yet to leave her side. She let him take her hand and she took her first step down, grateful she wasn't wearing heels.

"You're doing well," Ryan called up the stairs as he and Marissa walked down backwards. They took a step each time Summer did, keeping a fair distance away but close enough that if she fell, they could catch her before any damage was done.

"You're doing great, honey," Kirsten called down from the top where she and Sandy were standing so as not to overwhelm their daughter in-law.

"I'm walking down stairs," Summer said, in between breaths. "It's not exactly news-worthy."

"We're nearly there," Seth said, when they had three steps to go. "One. Two. Three."

When she reached the bottom, Ryan scooped her up in his arms and swung her around.

"Well done," he smiled. "You did it."

Summer squealed but swung her arms out as Ryan swung her around.

"Uh, when your done man-handling my wife," Seth said, pretending to be concerned. "Can you maybe put her down?"

"Sure," Ryan said, walking over to the front door. He placed her down. "You going to walk to the car?"

Summer turned to look at the rest of the family who shrugged.

"You made it this far, kiddo," Sandy said, imparting his sage wisdom. "You may as well go the whole way."

"This is fighting?" Kirsten said under her breath.

"Sure," Sandy answered. "She's walking."

"I can see that," Kirsten smiled. "I meant I'm glad she's doing it but its so sad that walking has to be such a big deal."

"I know," Sandy replied, putting an arm around his wife and pulling her closer. "But look how happy she is."

And it was true, they knew. Summer had never looked so happy, had never shone so bright. She finally looked like someone who would fight.

**A/N for YellyBelly and Lil Aussie Alias Chick:** In case you didn't pick it up, which I'm sure you did, the issue was Summer giving up and not fighting.

**General A/N:** You may have noticed there were no flashback scenes and that I didn't go into detail about the dinner but you'll see why soon. Gen. xxox


	16. SNAP

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** I'm so sorry for the long delay with updates. I've had internet troubles, which basically ended up meaning that I needed a new modem. I'm not one hundred percent sure about this chapter but it does finally and obscurely show what they did to Zach. Sorry if it's confusing or if it stops abruptly. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Fifteen:** SNAP

"Summer, I'm going to insert this needle into your arm. I need you to tell me if it's overly painful or if you think I've hit something."

_"I'm going to make you feel so much pain, you'll wish you never touched her. And by the time I'm through with you, you'll never want to touch a girl again."_

"Summer, you're being awfully quiet. How do you feel?"

_"Ryan! Stop it. You're going to kill him."_

"Seth? Where's Seth? I need him. Get me Seth."

_"I swear to you, if you so much as think about her again, I'll come back for you. What was that? You're sorry? It's a little late for sorry now. She didn't deserve that but you do."_

"I just feel so sorry for her. Her life's been hard enough as it is, what with her parents splitting up, her stepmother being a total nightmare, that boy Zach trying to rape her and to top it all of, there's this cancer. If anyone doesn't deserve this, it's her."

_"Marissa, I think you've done enough."_

"I think that's enough anesthesia."

_"No, I don't mean I think we've hurt him enough, I think you've done enough. It's my turn."_

"Ryan and I will be in the waiting room. You are being so brave, Summer. I love you so much."

_"Look who's brave now that he has Mr. Juvie over here to protect him. You're weak, Cohen. There's no way you can hurt me."_

"Summer, we're going to lie you down now. If you feel any nausea or dizziness, I need you to tell me straight away. Are you ready? On 1, 2, 3. Go."

_"What, Marissa? Do you want a go to? I tell you what. I'll give you three punches and if you can knock me out, you win. Are you ready? I'll count them for you. 1, 2, 3."_

"I hate this."

"_Feel sorry yet?"_

"The whole waiting thing. I was never good at it. I mean, you saw what I was like when Alexis was born and she's my own daughter. If Marissa hadn't needed me, I would have left."

_"He's not going to back down, you guys."_

"I'm not going to give up on you. There is no way I'm giving up on you. You are not dying tonight. You and your baby are not dying tonight."

_"He's not worth it."_

"Are you scared?"

"_Are you scared?"_

"Petrified. That's my wife in there."

_"Scared? He looks petrified."_

"Are you ok?"

"_Is he ok?"_

"My wife is in there and I can't even be with her. I'm not ok at all."

_"He's breathing. He's moving. He's still trying to fight. The only thing that's wrong with him is he's stupid."_

"Can't your father do something about it?"

_"I will get you all for this."_

"If you don't let my son in there, I'll sue this hospital for all it's worth. I know the codes. And I know my daughter in-law. She will die without him in there. And that baby needs it's father."

_"You forget, Zach. You hit me first. This is just self defense, man."_

"You should go. She's waiting for you. Don't look at me like that. I'm your father. I do what's right for you. Now, go. Tell her I love her. Tell her, it's going to be ok."

_"Like anyone will believe you."_

"I hope she's ok."

_"You think no-one will believe you attacked Summer either? She has the bruises to prove it. And I have evidence to prove you hit me first. Wanna see? My guardian's a lawyer. I know how to cover myself. We photographed it. Don't believe me? Think that makes it too easy? Think again. You're going down."_

"It's ok, Summer. Just breathe. Your husband's here now. It's ok. Relax. I'm going to count down from ten. With each number, I want you take a deep breath and relax. Remember what I told you. If there's no reaction to the anesthesia, I will continue to administer it but if there is, I'll wake you. You will feel some pain and discomfort but believe me, you're getting it easy."

_"Believe me, Zach. What you feel now is nothing compared to what we'll do to you if you come near any of us again."_

"My wife has not had it easy. She has leukemia for goodness sakes. She could bleed out on the table."

_"Do you think that cut's ever going to stop bleeding? He hit you pretty hard."_

"What is something goes wrong, Ryan? What am I going to do without my best friend? What are you going to do without yours? If anything happens to her, it'll kill him."

_"It's not me I'm thinking of right now."_

"It's not me I'm thinking of right now."

_"You're amazing, Ryan. I love you."_

"You're the best person I know."

"_Do you think we're taking a bit too far? I mean, a camera? I don't know about you but it seems a little too much for my liking," Seth asks, his face screwing up into a ball._

_"Marissa just needs to take a few pictures that show it was Zach who attacked us first and we were just retaliating. Trust me, Seth. This is the ultimate in stealth," Ryan replies, handing Marissa the digital camera he received for his birthday._

_"Ryan, now is not the time to joke," Seth retorts, shaking his head._

_"I'm sorry, man. I guess I really am a Cohen."_

_"Ryan," Marissa tugs on his shirt and pulls him around to her. "I want to be there. I want to help."_

_"I don't know, Riss. It might be dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt," he says, clearly thinking of her._

_"Ryan, she's my best friend. I love her too," Marissa explains. "And besides, why should you get to have all the fun?"_

_"Fine," he eventually gives in. "But I need you to stay out of sight to take the pictures and then, if it's safe, you can come in."_

_"You're only saying that because you know she'd come with us anyway," Seth sighs._

_"Stay safe, ok," Marissa says, staring up into Ryan's eyes. "And don't let your anger get in the way. I love you. Both of you."_

_"You love both of us or you want both of us to not let our anger get in the way," Seth asks. She kisses Ryan's cheek and then turns to Seth and smiles._

_"Both."_

_"Of you," Seth finishes. He sighs again and looks at her. "You too."_

_"Wish us luck," Ryan says. She calls out good luck and then takes her place behind the big, black four-wheel drive. Ryan turns to Seth. "You sure you're ready for this man?"_

_"Readier than I'll ever be," Seth answers right behind Ryan as they move towards the lone figure that's drinking from a beer bottle and hurling rocks over the fence and into the water._

"What are you thinking about?" Marissa asked as her husband looked blankly at the wall.

"Zach," he answered. She reached over and interlaced her bony fingers with his.

"Why?" she asked, even though she knew the answer. It was always the same.

"It's just that every time she's in a position like this, I keep thinking about it," he answered.

"I know," Marissa said. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. If she was true to herself, she would admit that she was sick of talking about that night. Sick of her husband's preoccupation and reluctance to let go. Outsiders would find her selfish and think the only reason she was like this was because this incident wasn't centered around her but she knew it wasn't true. Her life was Summer now. Her life was her sickness and when it was born, her life would be this baby.

"He looked so bad when we were done with him."

"It's not like we killed him," Marissa said. She sighed, imperceptibly, and settled down to have yet another conversation about the night they nearly killed Zach. The night everything changed and their futures were forged and that's what it was. Marissa was happy the way things had changed and had turned out. She didn't want to dwell on what could have been anymore.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact we almost did. We broke his nose, his leg and his nose. He had bruises all over his stomach and yet, he fought back," Ryan was saying. Marissa leant over and put her head on his shoulder. The hand that wasn't laced with his made its way around his back and she circled him.

"He shouldn't have hurt her," she whispered, wary of being heard. "What he tried to do to her was worse than what we did to him. He hit you first and then he hit Seth and then he hit me. We did what anyone would have done."

_"What are you doing here?" Zach snarls as Ryan and Seth stalk towards him._

_"We know what you did to Summer," Ryan tells him._

_"And what are you going to do about it?"_

_"Nothing," Ryan answers. He is unperturbed. "But what you're going to do is get in your, drive yourself to the police station and turn yourself in."_

_"And why would I want to do that?" Zach laughs. Ryan can smell the alcohol from where he stands. Zach takes a step towards him and he steps back, knowing this is the right thing to do. Zach steps towards him again, again, again and finally, stands in front of Ryan, their faces pressed together._

_"Fine," Ryan says. "I'm going to make you feel so much pain, you'll wish you never touched her. And by the time I'm through with you, you'll never want to touch a girl again."_

_SNAP. Zach pushing Ryan._

_SNAP. Ryan holding his hands up and taking a half step backward._

_SNAP. Zach pushing Ryan again and again. SNAP. Zach punches Ryan. SNAP. Ryan punches him back. SNAP. SNAP. SNAP._

_"I swear to you, if you so much as think about her again, I'll come back for you. What was that? You're sorry? It's a little late for sorry now. She didn't deserve that but you do."_

_SNAP. Zach turns to Seth. SNAP. Seth takes his punch and then his tackle. SNAP. Ryan tries to pull him away._

_"Look who's brave now that he has Mr. Juvie over here to protect him. You're weak, Cohen. There's no way you can hurt me."_

_SNAP. Seth smacks him back and Ryan steps in again._

_The photos end there. Marissa screams and runs towards them as Ryan and Zach fight. Seth tries to break them apart and then turns away._

_"Ryan! Stop it. You're going to kill him."_

_Zach hears Marissa calling for them to stop but he knows she doesn't mean and he finds her voice just grates on him so he turns to her and that's it. All bets are off. The winner takes all._

_"What, Marissa? Do you want a go to? I tell you what. I'll give you three punches and if you can knock me out, you win. Are you ready? I'll count them for you. 1, 2, 3."_

_He doesn't understand the way adrenaline works. Marissa, in her fury, in her anger, is unbeatable. He doesn't understand that girls are dirty fighters. She digs fingernails, she pulls her hair, and she kills._

_"Marissa, I think you've done enough," Seth says. She stops and looks at him._

_"He's breathing. He's moving. He's still trying to fight. The only thing that's wrong with him is he's stupid," she says, still angry._

_"No, I don't mean I think we've hurt him enough, I think you've done enough. It's my turn."_

_Zach tries to fight back. He threatens them and manically laughs when he finds out they covered themselves. Typical. But he will not give up and still they fight._

_And they win. He tries to fight them off, he tries to get away but he fails. He always will._

_And they drag Zach's lifeless body to the car and they drive him towards Newport General where they check him in, using Trey's name, and then they leave._

_No one can fault them on what they did. They have evidence, they have proof. It was self-defense, not revenge. But it doesn't matter because Zach never presses charges. He takes what he gets._

_Bruised. Bloody. Broken. Traumatized._

"I think you're the only one that needs to let go of that now," Marissa whispered to her husband. She kissed his shoulder and nudged him reassuringly. "What's done is done. We cant take that back."

"But, Riss…"

"Ryan, we can't deal with this right now. We have to live in the here and the now. Summer and the baby. This is what we have to focus on. You need to let it go," she says, her voice slightly shrill.

"Ok," he says. She turns to him and he offers her a smile. "Ok. I will let it go."

"Good," she says.

"But that doesn't mean I have to forget it," he said. "This is a part of our life and it always will be."

"I understand," she said. And they spoke of it no more.


	17. Wrong Dream

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** I have to admit, I've taken some liberties with the medical part of this chapter. I don't know much about this sort of thing plus I kind of had to write it so it fit my story. I hope no one is offended. Sorry for the major gap in between updates. I had to work all weekend and then I had my birthday party plus I've just had some major writer's block issues… Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**yelly-belly:** I know that the way I wrote the last chapter was confusing but I thought it would be more effective. I'm glad you liked it anyway. I hate Zach too. Obviously. He just irks me. If you ask me, it's not that he's in love with Summer, it's that he's jealous of Seth. Or even that he has something to prove because he's in the water polo team and Seth isn't. That just came to me, by the way. I just hate him. Ick.

**Lil Aussie Alias Chick:** There was a lot of 'OMG's' in that review. Alias? Soon? Really? Are you just saying that to be hopeful? My theory is it will take the Amazing Race's spot when it finishes (which I don't watch so have no idea when that will be). Maybe Desperate Housewives, but I doubt that because Alias hasn't been on the 8.30 timeslot for ages. Bastards. I want it back! I'm glad you liked the last chapter too.

**Conaleigh Leonhart:** It's funny you say that. My parents friend actually got cancer when she was pregnant and her and the baby are both still fine but that's not true in all cases. Oh, you have cousins from Australia? That's awesome. I'm an Aussie, which I think I've said. that's so cool. Thanks for taking the time to review.

**kursk:** Quite frankly, I don't think Ryan should feel guilty either. Zach only got what he deserved. But I think it's in Ryan's nature to feel guilty plus it made a better story, lol. And I wish I could promise you the birth would be fine.

**caring is creepy:** I'm glad you liked the way I wrote the last chapter. I actually thought people would hate it because it's confusing but I'm glad you liked it. Thanks.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Sixteen:** Wrong Dream

"Summer, I need you to stay calm," Dr. Galliano said in a soft voice.

"Where's Dr. Roberts?" Summer asked in a panic.

"I'm right here, Summer," he said, from a safe distance. "We talked about this, remember? I can't do the surgery for you. I'm not qualified."

She nodded quickly and swallowed. Seth ran a soothing hand over her damp forehead, and wiped a few wisps of wet, brown hair off her face. He smiled down at her, calmly, although he felt faint.

"How are you going, babe?" he asked her. He swallowed again and kept his eyes fixated on hers. "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm being cut open," she said, with a weak laugh. Seth squinched his eyes shut and swallowed again. "And having something torn out of me."

"Must you?" he asked, his voice hoarse. He blinked a few times and she stifled a laugh.

"Feeling sick, baby?" she asked, her voice sugary sweet. She winced momentarily as the knife sliced through her skin. It wasn't the pain, she felt nothing, it was the sound, the movement.

"I'm not a very big fan of blood," he choked out. Someone said something to the doctor and forgetting where he was, he looked up. "Oh, boy."

"Seth, close your eyes," Summer ordered, seeing the look on her husband's face. "If you throw up on me, I swear I will never forgive you for it. It's one thing to have a Junior Mint sewed into your body but to have anything else is unforgivable."

"You watch too much T.V.," Dr. Roberts laughed as he and Dr Galliano exchanged glances. "Neither of us has ever sewed a Junior Mint into someone's body. We tend to leave that to Seinfeld."

"You have a Dr named Seinfeld?" Seth asked, not thinking clearly. He saw everyone in the room roll their eyes or stifle laughter. Even Summer choked out a small giggle. "I knew that you were joking. I was too. You know. A joke… Ok, so maybe not. Sum, how are you feeling? Had you noticed what your doctor's name was? Galliano. Like the designer."

"I'd noticed," she said.

"Summer, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you and Mr. Cohen to stop talking now," Dr Galliano interrupted lightly. His voice and mannerisms were calm but Dr Roberts, who could not lie to them, was buggy and nervous.

"What's wrong?" Seth asked, his hand instinctively gripping Summer's.

"Ouch," she snapped at him. "That's going to bruise. And I think I'm supposed to be the one that breaks your hand."

"Sorry," he sighed. Seth had unfortunately and unwittingly inflicted many bruises on Summer's body from holding her too tight or accidentally kicking her while they sleep. She didn't understand how horrible it made him feel, knowing that he was inflicting so much pain on her. If he didn't need her next to him to sleep, to breathe, and if he knew she would ever agree to it, he would have offered to sleep in another room, another bed. Anything to escape having to look down at the bruises he had placed on her fragile body.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to do something unusual and put you under full anesthesia," Dr Galliano said. "This means that you'll be asleep during the rest of the procedure and unfortunately, your husband cannot stay. I promise you he will be allowed straight back in after the procedure is done to see your daughter."

"No," Summer said, choking up. This was the first lot of emotion she had shown the whole time. "No. I know the risks of that. You cant do it."

"I'm sorry, Summer," Dr. Galliano said, his voice full of sympathy. "I wish there was something else I could do."

"I'm sorry," Seth interrupted. He swallowed again. "But, umm, if you put her under full anesthesia, doesn't that mean she could slip into a coma from the drugs?"

"Anesthesia is basically like an induced coma," Galliano explained. "But yes, that's true. The patient can sometimes take too long to recover and can slip into a real coma."

"And if they slip into a coma, isn't it true that they can…" he paused and when he continued, his voice was raspy. It hurt him too talk. The lump in his throat cut into him and ached. "Not wake up. They can die."

"Yes, that's true," Dr Roberts said, taking over. "But that's very rare. I assure you both, it's the best decision. Summer could lose to much blood otherwise. Any precautions that Dr Galliano can take to assure that doesn't happen require Summer to be asleep."

"She's right here," Summer interrupted weakly. "Talk to me."

"Summer," Dr Galliano said, coming to her side. "If I don't do this, you will lose too much blood. By putting you to sleep, I will have more control over how much blood loss you suffer. When you're asleep, your heart slows down and that means that the blood slows down as well."

"We'll risk it," Summer cut in, glancing at Seth. "I want him to be a part of this."

"Let me put it in some different terms," Dr Roberts cut in after hearing Summer and Seth's exchange. "If we don't do this, we will lose both you and the baby. At least this way, we have a better chance of saving you."

"Do it," Seth said, quickly. He looked away from his wife and stared into the doctor's eyes. "If it means I get to keep my wife and my baby, do it."

"But Seth," Summer said, her eyes watering. "I want you to be here to see your daughter being born."

"It's ok," he said, holding her hand. He bent down over her and finding in uncomfortable, knelt on the floor so their faces were even. "I'll be here next time. I promise. When have our first son or out next daughter. When all of this is behind us. And I promise you, I will be straight back in here as soon as I can be. Summer, I'd rather us be apart now than forever. I'd rather be without you now than have you die. I'd rather…"

He stopped talking and let his eyes speak instead. He couldn't go any further. And she knew it.

"I love you," she whispered to him.

"I love you too," he whispered back. "And I'll be here when you wake up."

"Let's go, Seth," Dr Roberts said, patting him gently on his back.

Seth stood up and before he left, he brushed the tears away from Summer's eyes. He leant over and kissed her cheek, her nose, her forehead, her mouth.

"You're my final destination," he whispered. She nodded to him.

"Mine too."

"You're doing so well. Be a good girl."

"If something happens to me, be strong," she whispered to him. "For me and for our baby. Be strong."

"Summer," he said, simply but she shook her head in desperation.

"Promise me," she said, with as much force as she had left. "Promise me if something happens, you'll be storng."

"Promise me nothing will happen to you," he shot back. She smiled softly and ran her fingers through the dark curls of hair that framed his face. His face softened and although he was crying, he spoke to her. "I promise. If anything happens to you, I'll be strong."

"I'm sorry but I'm going ot have to aks you to leave now," Galliano said softly. "If you'd like to wiat with your family, I'll send someone to get you as soon as you can re-enter."

Seth nodded and walked towards the door silently. He turned around at the last minute he turned to her and smiled.

"Be brave," he mouthed.

"Don't go," she mouthed back. "Stay."

"Be strong," he mouthed back. "I'm right here."

"I love you," she whispered as he left the room and drowsiness overtook her. And when she opened her eyes, the world was white and then green, and suddenly, she was sitting on a blanket in a meadow, her feet on Seth's lap and a baby in her arms.

And that's what told her something wasn't right because if Summer was all in one piece, she would be dreaming that she was pushing her baby through Italy and Seth would be walking behind her carrying her purchases in his arms. But they would be happy. And they would be together.

* * *

"Seth, what's wrong?" Marissa asked as he entered the room. She stood up and walked over to him. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like death warmed over. "Has Summer had the baby? Is everything okay?"

"I'm afraid there's been some complications," Dr Roberts interrupted gently. He took Marissa's shoulder and led her and Seth over to a spare couch. He explained the situation to the family, that it was necessary to put Summer under full anesthesia, and if necessary, she would be placed in an induced coma. Seth hadn't exactly got his facts right in the operating room but no one had awnted to correct him. "She was losing too much blood. It was the only way."

"What was she like, before you left her?" Ryan asked, his face pale and his eyes wide. "Was she talking? Laughing?"

"Both," he smiled. "She was joking that she'd like to get this over with because she needed her beauty sleep."

"Sounds like Summer," Sandy noted. Kirsten said nothing, simply looped her hand into Sandy's and pressed her body into him. Dr Roberts smiled at them all again.

"I promise we will do everything we can to make sure she is alright," he said, gravely.

"I thought you weren't allowed tohave anything to do with her," Seth said.

"Now that the cancer is involved, now that her blood is involved, I can be."

"Take care of her," Kirsten said, finding her voice.

"I will," he said.

The five lapsed into a silence which was only broken by Marissa laughing. Everyone stopped and looked at her but she couldn't stop. She was soft at first, a small giggle, a small laugh but soon her laughing turned hysterical. Someone walked past outside and stopped, chilled to the bones, at the sound she was making.

"Doenst anyone else find it ironic?" she asked, tears of laughter streaming down her face as she cackled. No one moved. They continued to stare at her in shock. Kirsten felt sick as she watched her daughter in-law cackle. She stood up slowly and made her way over to Marissa. Seth ahd scooted to the other side of the couch and was staring at her. Marissa looked up at Kirsten when she touched her arm. Her face fell and aprubtly, her manical laughter changed into sobbing. "This is so unfair."

"I know, sweetie, I know," Kirsten said, her own eyes filling with tears. "It isn't fair. None of this is fair."

She held Marissa tight and rocked her back and forth as she sobbed for her ebst friend.

"I just want her to be alright," Marissa cried. "I need her to be ok because if she's not, then I'm not. I cant be without her."

"Well you might just have to be," Seth snapped. He stood up and walked out of the room. Sandy and Ryan looked at each other and both stood up to follow him leaving Marissa to cry in Kirsten's arms.

"God, please don't let this happen," Kirsten whispered in prayer as her lips danced across Marissa's hair each time she spoke. "Please let her be ok. Let my family be ok. Please don't let her die."


	18. Insanity

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sigh. I don't actually know what color Adam Brody's eyes are, so again, I took some liberties. Thanks so much for my reviews. I'm sorry that you all think this story is so sad and I am so sorry for what I'm going to do but I'm glad you're all still reading. It means more than you'll ever know. Please tell me if this is becoming too mushy or overdone. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Somebody's Dark Angel:** This Dr. Roberts isn't her father. Seth actually mentioned in an earlier chapter that Roberts was her maiden name. I don't know why I picked that name, it just came out.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Seventeen:** Insanity

"She's beautiful," Marissa said.

"She is," Kirsten said, wiping a tear off her face.

"What did they end up calling her?" Ryan asked, leaning over to catch the first glimpse of his new niece. He had heard the 'Emily Leanne' versus 'Leanne Emily' debate a few too many times.

Something caught in Marissa's throat as she read the shiny pink placard over the infant's head.

"Emily Alexis Leanne Cohen," she said. She turned to Kirsten. "Did you know they were going to use our names?"

"No," Kirsten said with a smile. She had happy tears in her eyes.

"I did," Ryan sighed. "All I heard, every single time I went over there was 'Emily Leanne Cohen' or 'Leanne Emily Cohen?' I didn't realize they were going to put Summer's middle name in there too."

"I did it just in case something happens to Summer," Seth interrupted, as he entered the nursery. He sounded more tired than they had heard him sound in awhile. "You can pick her up if you want, Mum."

"Hey, honey," Kirsten said, looking up. She immediately turned her attention back to the pink bundle and picked it up gently. She sighed, blissfully, as she gazed down at her granddaughter. "Hello, gorgeous."

"How are you holding up, son?" Sandy asked, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. He tapped Kirsten on the shoulder. She turned to him and reluctantly handed the baby over, kissing her forehead first. "And by the way, congratulations. That's a beautiful little girl you've got there. She looks like me already."

"Dad, please don't scar her for life," Seth said. The whole group fell silent. A joke.

"How is she?" Marissa asked, her voice so soft that if he hadn't known her so well, if she wasn't family, he would have asked her to repeat herself. Sandy handed the baby over to her.

"Still asleep," he answered, as he watched Marissa cradling his child. Marissa didn't take her eyes off him as she held the baby close, just like a mother would, just like Summer would if she could. There was another silence.

"Can we see her?" Marissa asked, finally looking away. She blinked away the tears that had sprung to her eyes and even after, kept her eyes riveted on the mural painted wall so as not to see the despair in her friend's eyes. That was what killed her the most. Her own pain and suffering became insignificant when she saw what lingered beneath the surface of Seth's murky brown eyes.

"Yeah," he said. "Well, you can. Dr Galliano said she could have one visitor that wasn't me and I nominated you. I hope no-one else minds."

Everyone shook their heads. No one else really deserved that place. Summer and Marissa had been best friends nearly their entire life. No one loved her more and no one was loved more. Marissa smiled bravely as Seth led her out the room. She looked back and smiled again as if to re-assure everyone she was okay.

She wasn't. She was falling apart.

* * *

"Hey, Summer," Marissa said, taking a seat next to her best friend, her sister. She carefully and slowly laced her fingers through her best friend's frail hand. She looked peaceful as she slept. Marissa gazed at her friend, unsure of what to do, of what to say. Gingerly, she brushed a lock of Summer's unruly brown hair off her forehead. "So, I held Emily. She's beautiful. She looks just like you. Well, she has your mouth anyway and your nose. I think she's going to have your eyes too, which seems a bit unfair because Seth created her too. She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Thanks for calling her Emily. That's really sweet of you. Kirsten is thrilled. She's absolutely beaming. She's so proud of you and she thinks it so nice that you named your daughter after her. She didn't know why you would do that but I explained to her that she's like a mother to you. I guess she knows but it never hurts to reassure her."

Marissa felt uneasy. She didn't know what she should say or what she should do. She was fighting the impulse to break down, sob and leave salty tears all over her friend's pristine, white sheets. Instead, she gripped her hand harder and continued to talk. The words she spilt out seemed foreign and unusual to her, nothing she would ever say if she were lucid, if she were thinking clearly.

"Umm, the doctor's say that if you don't wake up in the next few days that they'll have to put you into an artificial coma. That means that they'll have to hook you up to about seven hundred different tubes and that you'll be fed liquid. Remember how we used to swear to each other that we would never become anorexic or bulimic because we hated the thought of only being fed liquid? Well, I need you to wake up because I can't have you break the promise."

Where were the words coming from? Where had Marissa gone? This didn't sound like her at all.

Months of being strong, of pretending to not care, months of stifling back the tears, months of keeping her thoughts in her head. Months of pain. They had changed her. She was temporarily out of her mind.

"I guess you technically wouldn't be breaking the promise because you don't have an eating disorder so I'm going to make you a new promise right here and now. You and I are going to promise each other that we'll never need to be hooked up to any tubes or be fed from a bag that doesn't require opening. Promise?" she asked, as she linked her pinky with Summer's. she squeezed it slightly and whispered. "Now you've promised. Now you have to wake up."

"Mrs. Atwood?" a voice called out. Marissa looked up at the man who had entered. No emotion crossed her face, nothing could be seen in her eyes. Shock, the woman reasoned. Realization.

"Yes," she replied, her voice flat as the nurse moved towards her.

"I just need to check Summer's vitals," she said. Marissa looked at her, unsure of what to do. "It's ok. You don't have to leave. I'll do it around you."

"Thanks," Marissa said, blankly. She reluctantly let go of Summer's hand. She sat in her seat and stared at the creases and folds of the sheets.

"All done," the nurse said, chirpily. "Everything's perfect."

Marissa nodded briefly and immediately reattached herself to Summer's hand. The nurse glanced at her sadly and then left the room.

"I hate seeing you like this," Marissa said. "I hate talking to you and not having you talk back. there is so much you and I haven't done yet. There is so much you and I need to talk about. We need to decide what Emily's going to wear to her Christening and we need to decide… other stuff," she said, her calm and emotionless façade breaking down. She began to cry. Huge sobs wracked her body as she wept. Her cries could be heard from outside the room. People walked past and held back their own tears as they listened to Marissa's cries. No, not cries. Wails. Screams. She was so lost in her grief, she didn't even have the dignity to wipe her face. Seth entered the room as Marissa's cries ceased. Watery snot ran down her face and mingled with the mascara she had carefully applied that morning. Her hair had come out of its ponytail. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin unnaturally pale. She looked up at Seth and he understood. "I don't want her to die."

"Shh. Shh. It's ok," he said, walking over to her. "She's not going to die."

"I need her to live," Marissa sobbed. "I need her to live. I cant live without her."

Seth said nothing. he simply let her head fall onto his chest. He stroked her hair as she cried, softer now, but with no less feeling. He knew what was happening.

"I'm going insane," she whispered. She looked up at him, her big, blue eyes wild and scared. "I'm going crazy. I laughed when they told me and now, I'm crying. I don't even know what I'm saying."

"You are not going crazy," Seth said, choking over the words. The lump had grown in his throat and it was killing him. "You've just realized that she might die. You've just realized that she might be right, that this might be her time to go."

"I never really believed her," Marissa said, still whispering. Her head was pressed into Seth's stomach, as he stood next to her. She wasn't crying anymore but she still breathed in shuddery gasps, showing that she had cried long and she had cried hard. "I thought she was just pretending. She meant it."

Seth said nothing. Marissa said nothing. he pulled away and as one stood, one sat, their eyes traveled across the floor, across the bed, across the wall but their eyes never caught each others and never glanced at the figure in the bed. Never that. That would have killed them both.

"Can I just stay here with her for a minute more?" Marissa asked, her voice once again quiet. They had been quiet for fifteen minutes and Marissa was marginally calmer. "I just need to tell her one more thing."

"Ok," Seth said, a sharp pain shooting through his stomach. He squeezed Marissa's shoulder and left the room.

"I'm sorry," she began. "For breaking down like that. I'm so sorry you had to see me like that. I just want you to know that I love you so much. You're the closest friend I ever had. You're not even my friend, you're my sister. We all love you. Ryan, Sandy, Kirsten. Even Lexie. We love you so much that it's consumed us. We just want you to be okay. That's all we want. We want you to take what strength you have in you and fight. We need you to be alright because if you're okay, then we're okay. If you try to fight and you fail, that's ok because at least we know you tried but I want so much for you to wake up so we can at least say some proper goodbyes," she paused. "I'm sorry if what I'm saying is causing you pain. I think that would kill me. But I think it has to be said and that you'd want to hear it. Just remember that I love you now, I love you tomorrow and I will always love you."

She stood up and kissed Summer's forehead, her lips lingering on the creamy, pale skin. She pulled herself up and abruptly left the room.

* * *

Seth stood outside as he waited for Marissa to finish with his wife. He knew she was taking her time because the truth was, she didn't know when she would see her again. He was amazed with himself. Through his own grief, he had managed to comfort her.

He didn't know how he had done it. He didn't know how he could be strong for her when he was falling apart himself. He didn't know how he could leave his wife's side, either, but he did. A tiny part of himself thought Marissa was right. She was going crazy. But if she was right, it was true of him also. Their grief would unite them but it might wrench them from the real world. It might cause them to withdraw from the world completely and crawl into themselves. It was true of him. Marissa would have Ryan to pull her out but if Summer left, who would save him?

"How are you doing, man?" Ryan asked, coming up to him. he placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. Seth didn't move, didn't blink. "I know it's all crazy and you're probably sick of hearing this, but I'm here for you."

"Thanks," Seth said, with as much emotion as he could muster. "Marissa's still in there. She's, uh, she's pretty messed up. Everything's caught up with her. Just, take care of her. Summer and I are going to need her. We're going to need all of you."

Ryan simply nodded. he patted Seth's back again as the door to Summer's room opened. Marissa walked out. She caught Seth's eyes first and offered him a smile of thanks. She made to talk to him and then spotted Ryan standing next to Seth. She immediately turned and flung herself into Ryan's arms where she broke down again.

Where was her strength? Where had it gone?

She felt Ryan's arms around her. They tightened their grip on her and she felt a small sense of relief run through her wracked and broke body. There was her strength. Right here. Holding her in his arms.

Seth watched the couple for a moment and then turned away. He walked into his wife's room and sat by her bed. Where was his strength? Where had it gone?


	19. Justice

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Sorry for the long delay between updates. Lots of crap going on. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**YellyBelly:** I'm really sorry for your friend. I know people who are in the same predicament and it kills me when I see them. Should I be upset that I keep making you cry or flattered? I feel bad but I also feel very proud because it means my writing has touched someone. Plus, they do say 'no tears for the writer, no tears for the reader,' which means this makes me cry too. How egotistical, lol. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the reviews. You're an awesome reviewer and I always feel so touched to read your words. Keep it up! xxx

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Eighteen:** Justice

Marissa power-walked through the hospital, later that night. She walked straight past Summer's ward and walked into the nursery where baby Emily slept. She knocked on the door and peered through the glass window where a nurse waved her in.

"I'm here to see about Emily Cohen," Marissa said. The nurse took in Marissa's well-cut (and obviously expensive) designer jeans, her brown boots and black and white poncho, she figured this must be the new mother's best friend. Marissa glanced over at the nurse and pushed back the sunglasses that held her shiny hair back from her face. "Marissa Atwood. I'm her aunt."

"What can I do for you?" the nurse asked, politeness evident in her voice despite Marissa's cool and slightly demanding demeanor.

"I was wondering if it would be possible to have Emily moved into her mother's room," Marissa said, sounding hopeful. She smiled in an attempt to be friendly, although her insides were churning up and her nerves were fluttering like overgrown butterflies kept in a glass jar.

"I'm not sure that that will be possible."

Marissa sighed impatiently and glanced down at the nurse's nametag.

"Listen, Kate," she tried. "I don't know if you know but her mother is in a coma of sorts but I think if she woke up and found her baby not there, she'd freak out completely."

Kate looked at her, still slightly wary.

"Listen," Marissa said, her voice pleading. "I don't know how I do, but I just do. She's going to wake-up soon and I want her daughter to be there. she's never held her. Please. Let me take her now. She won't be left alone for even an instant and she was supposed to sleep in Sum's room anyway. I don't see what the difference is."

"Just let me check with my supervisor," Kate said, finally. Marissa hadn't even concocted a very good or strong argument but Kate found it hard to argue with the hope and the pleading in her voice. Kate left the room. Marissa watched as she walked to a desk and bent her head down to talk to a yellow smocked woman. The woman looked up and over at Marissa who was now pacing the room and looking bewildered. "Mrs. Atwood, that shouldn't be a problem. I'll just call someone to escort you down there now."

Marissa's face broke into a wide smile and she closed her eyes briefly, relieved and happy.

"Thank you so much, Kate," she said, flashing her another smile. She walked over to her new niece and bent down to her. "Hear that, pretty girl? You're going to see your mama."

She cooed over the baby, fixing up her blankets and sheets and rearranging the assortment of plush toys that lined the bottom of her crib. She looked up when she heard someone clear their throat above her.

"Hey," Kirsten said, the smile growing on her face.

"Hey," Marissa replied, slightly embarrassed. She walked over and let Kirsten kiss her cheek and run her fingers quickly through her hair. Pulling away, she glanced at Kirsten. Her eyes were red and puffy. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kirsten said, tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm just scared about Summer. And I'm worried about you and I'm worried about Seth."

"I think we're all worried," she replied. Kirsten nodded as the nurse wheeled baby Emily's crib outside. Marissa motioned for Kirsten to follow but she shook her head.

"I think I'm just going to sit here for awhile," she said, pausing when she saw the concerned look on Marissa's face. "It's ok, sweetie. I just want to be alone for a while. I promise I'll come in in a minute, ok?"

Marissa hesitated for a moment before walking over to Kirsten and wrapping her in a hug. She pulled away and kissed her cheek.

"As long as you're sure you're ok," Marissa said, knowing full well she was not. Kirsten smiled at her bravely and Marissa smiled back before turning slowly away and following Kate back to Summer's room.

As soon as her daughter in-law was out of sight, Kirsten collapsed onto the nearest seat and lowered her head into her hands, letting the tears flow. She wasn't alright. There was nothing fair about this, nothing at all. Where was the justice in her world if her once healthy daughter in-law was lying broken and bruised in a hospital bed with no guarantee she would wake up? Where was the justice in the world if her son was without his wife? Where was the justice in the world that Summer could not even hold her own child and that Seth could not bring himself too? Where was the justice in the world that let it be Summer, a young wife and mother with her whole life ahead of her, be sick and it not be Kirsten herself, an older mother and wife who had lived her life?

But what really got her was this. It seemed unfair that it would be internal bleeding and Summer's inability to wake from the anesthesia that might kill her when the cancer had been trying so hard too. Where was the justice in that?

She sat in the same seat and cried, people of all professions and stations passing her by. This was the oncology ward. They were used to people falling apart. They were used to people coming to grips with the horrid disease that had latched onto their loved ones and that was not letting go. They were used to all this because they felt it or they watched it every day. And it never got easier. Not for them, and it wouldn't for her, because there was no justice in the world.

* * *

Marissa paused outside Summer's door when she heard a low male voice talking. Seth. She motioned to the nurse to not talk and leant over to whisper to her, "I can take it from here. I just want Seth to spend a little more time with his wife."

"Not a problem, Mrs. Atwood," Kate replied with a sad and knowing smile.

"Please, call me Marissa," Marissa answered, leaning closer to the door to try and catch what Seth was saying. "And thank you for all your help."

"That's ok. Really," Kate smiled. She waved at Marissa and then walked away, quietly so as not to interrupt Marissa's eavesdropping.

"Sum," Seth was pleading, his voice desperate. Marissa could almost imagine him. his eyes would be red from crying and his hair would be wild and unruly from the hours he had spent dragging his fingers through and through it. he would like tired. Black circles would live under his eyes, so dark that even Marissa's most expensive concealer could not cover them. He would still have the same jeans and shirt that he had had on the night before and he would be sitting next to Summer's bed, his hand gripping hers. "Sum. Wake up, baby. Please wake up. We've been through this. I cant live without you. I can't do this without you. I need you to live, I need you to be strong. If you leave, who do I have? who do I have to lean on? I don't want to do this. I can't do this. You can't die because I'm selfish and I need you. I don't want to be alone."

there was a pause where she heard Seth quietly sob. Not like her collapse, but worse in a way. She could feel his pain in every shaking breath, in every tear that dropped in a puddle at his feet. He shuddered and then with a shaky breath, began to talk again.

"You're the love of my life. You're the most beautiful person in the world. I don't know anyone like you, Summer. I don't know anyone who loves me as much as you and I definitely don't know anyone I could ever love as much as you," he whispered, his need growing deeper with every breath. "I love you with everything I have. with my heart, my soul. Everything I have ever done is for you and I wouldn't have it any other way. All I want is for you to do something to me. I want you to live."

Another pause.

"I don't think I can live without you so please, Summer, wake up. Wake up for me. Wake up for your baby," he begged before falling silent again. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this is useless and you are going to die. I don't know but I need you to know all this anyway."

Marissa didn't know whether to blink back tears or smile at how sweet he was. She knew the only response was the first. His desperation ate at her like nothing else. All he wanted was for her to live. All she wanted was to be able to grab him, hold him close and tell him that he wouldn't be alone without Summer. He would be different, yes, but he would be alone. he would have her and he would have Ryan and he would have Kirsten, Sandy, Emily and even little Alexis.

There was a long pause in the room and Marissa chose that moment to barge in on his longing. She knocked quietly and then pried the door open slightly. She stuck her head in the door and look over at Seth who sat exactly where she thought he would.

"Hey, Seth," she said, smiling at him. he stood up and looked at her bewilderedly. "I bought Emily over to see Summer. I thought maybe they'd both like to be in the same room for a while."

She opened the door and carefully dragged Emily's crib over to the side of Summer's bed. She looked at Seth, who glared back at her.

"Why would you do that?" he asked, anger seeping into his voice.

"What? Seth, I just thought it would be…"

"You thought what, Marissa?" he said, his voice growing louder. "That you would just butt in and stick your nose in where it's not wanted? That you would try and take control?"

"Seth, it isn't like that," Marissa yelled back, hurt tears springing into her eyes.

"Oh, that's great," Seth said, with a maniacal laugh. "Just cry so I feel bad. Well, it's not going to work. I don't want Emily here. If I did, I would have gone and got her myself. Hell, having her here isn't going to help. It won't change anything. Just stay out of this, Marissa. I can handle it myself. I don't need you to help."

"You know what, Seth?" Marissa asked, ignoring the tears that dripped down her face. "You aren't the only one who's losing someone here. You're not the only one who wants her awake."

"No-one wants her awake more than I do," Seth said, sounding weak and pathetic. His voice was still laced with anger and that was what spoke volumes to Marissa. She turned on her heel and walked to the door where she turned around and glared at him.

"I'm sorry for trying to help," she spat, still angry. Emily began to wail. "But I think you're being pretty selfish. And I think you're wrong. Having Emily here is going to help. And do you know what else I think? I think the only reason you don't want her here is because it means you're going to have to turn some of your attention on her and away from your precious Summer. Well, guess what Seth? She's your daughter. Live with it. she needs you. and you know what else? Summer might not wake up and if that happens, your daughter is the only thing of her you'll have left so you may as well make friends with her now."

"You're just jealous because I'm closer to Summer than you are," Seth yelled back. "And you're jealous because everyone's paying attention to me, not you."

"Call me if anything changes," Marissa said calmly, walking out of the room. How she stopped herself from breaking down again, she didn't know.

Seth gaped after her and then back down at his wife. His eyes eventually moved over to his daughter who was crying. He sighed and slowly walked over to her. He picked her up and sighed. He sat down on the edge of Summer's bed and began to pat his daughter's back.

"Shh, baby," he whispered. "Stop crying, baby. Mama's asleep."

His voice broke as he whispered to his little girl. Mama was asleep and this time he wanted her to wake up when her baby cried. What kind of world was he living in?

Summer stirred on the bed next to him. He stopped whispering and patting the baby's back and turned to her.

"Summer?" he asked, as she blinked. She looked up at him blearily and smiled softly.

"Hey, baby," she whispered, closing her eyes again.

"Summer?" he asked again. She opened her eyes briefly but was so tried and worn, she couldn't keep them open. "Please open your eyes, honey, open your eyes."

"Too tired," she whispered, somehow lifting her hand. She ran her fingers over Seth's face and then rested them on the baby's belly. "Emily?"

"Yeah," he answered, kissing her hand. "She's beautiful. Looks just like you."

"Mmm," Summer said, a soft smile on her face. "Kiss me."

Seth leant down and placed a small soft kiss on her lips.

"Tell everyone I love them," she said, opening her eyes again. "Tell Marissa she's my best friend."

"I will," he answered. He held the baby lower. "I want you to see her."

Summer opened her eyes again and breathed in every inch of her child. With great difficulty, she placed a kiss on her cheek.

"She's beautiful," she whispered.

"She is," Seth replied.

"I love you," she said, before closing her eyes again.

"I love you too," he answered. "And baby does too."


	20. Courage

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** A return to the old format in hopes of delaying the inevitable just a little longer. Hey, I think there's a story in that… delaying the inevitable. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Nineteen: **Courage

Seth sat outside his wife's room, motionless. His head was resting in his hands as he breathed in, breathed out. He waited, deadly silent, stock still, as the doctor went in and did his thing. Slightly, he moved and caught sight of a girl, about twelve years of age. She was tiny and blonde, her skin was pale and sallow but she wore her brightest pink t-shirt and denim skirt and her smile never faded.

Summer reminded him of that little girl. When she was younger and she'd had a bad day, she would turn up at school wearing her brightest clothes. She never smiled, that just wasn't a Summer Roberts thing to do. Even when she was thirteen, indifference was cool. Unfriendliness was the new black. But still, if her heart was breaking and her world fell like it was going to fall apart, she would don her brightest hot pink top or lime green top and pair it with a white skirt and some brand new white trainers with pink laces. Everyone would assume she just felt like being bright today but Seth would look at her face, her eyes, and he would know. He would never look into her eyes, she would never have let that happen, but he would look at her and he would know. She lived by the mantra 'You are what you wear' and she could never understand why it didn't work.

Seth watched the little girl walk past and he realized how stupid he was being. He watched her pink t-shirted form leave the ward and he knew his lesson was learnt. Just because he couldn't deal with his wife's illness didn't mean that he had to take it out on the world. If she could be positive despite what was going on in her life, he could be the bigger man and apologise. If he didn't, Summer would never forgive him. And if he didn't call her best friend to tell her what had happened, he knew she'd kill her too.

She'd find a way.

_"Summer Roberts," the teacher says, looking down at the roll. There is silence as Summer continues to chat to her friends. The teacher clucks her tongue and calls out, her voice stern. "Summer Roberts."_

_"Hmm," Summer says vaguely, looking up. "Oh, yeah. Here."_

_She blows a big pink bubble, which popped, leaving gummy residue on her chin as her friends giggled at her courage and indifference._

_"Miss Roberts, how many times have I talked to you about not chewing gum in my classroom?" the teacher asks, her voice growing angrier by the second. "You've known chewing gum is against school rules since you started here. You're in Year Five now. I'd think you'd have grown out of disobeying the rules. Spit it out, please."_

_"Sure, whatever," she says as she blows another pink bubble. She never moves._

_"Miss Roberts," the teacher snaps. Summer looks up, frightened for a second, and then she looks quickly away. She is wearing a bright yellow t-shirt today and she will be brave. She stares back, unflinchingly at the teacher, who is likewise unflustered. "If I have to ask you to remove the gum one more time, it will be an afternoon detention. Do you really want that?"_

_"I really don't care," she shoots back, walking slowly over to the bin. As she reaches the bin, Seth looks over at her. Her friends are giggling together but he watches her. Her chin trembles slightly and she quickly blinks back tears. When she turns around, she accidentally catches his eyes. He offers her a sympathetic smile which she returns until she remembers who he is. She narrows her eyes at him and stomps back to her seat where she is engulfed by her friends. She should never have let him in. not even for a second._

_Now he knows her secret and her strength. Now he knows where her courage comes from and he knows it's not from her friends. It's from what she wears.How weird but how glamorously cool._

"Marissa," Seth said quietly. There is silence on the other end. And then there's a breath and then there's tears. "I think you should come down here."

"Ok," she replied and in that single word, Seth finds what he needs to forgive her, to understand her.

"And Marissa?" he asked, before she hangs up.

"Yeah?" she replied.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," he said. "That's all. I shouldn't have taken it all out on you. I know you're having just as hard a time as me and I'm just sorry it turned out like that."

"It's ok," she whispered, before hanging up the phone.

Seth walked away from the phone at the nurse's desk and walked slowly back to his wife's room. A nurse walked out of the room, pulling baby Emily's crib behind her.

"Mr. Cohen. I'm glad you're here," she smiled. "What room are you staying in? Should I wheel the baby there or would you like to take her yourself?"

"Take her back to nursery," he said, his voice cold. She looked at him and stepped back when she heard the tone of his voice. He was ready to forgive Marissa, she was as lost and lonely as he, but he was not ready to forgive Summer.

"Are you sure, Mr. Cohen?" the nurse asked, forcing a smile onto her face.

"I said take her back to nursery," he snapped.

"Ok, sure," the nurse replied, walking quickly away. He watched her back fading away from him and saw the pink of the blanket through the glass that held his little girl and he felt a slight tinge of regret that was quickly replaced with a feeling of utter and immense anger. Anger and pain and hurt and regret and sorrow but anger mostly.

"Seth," Marissa said, power-walking towards him. Her eyes were still red and puffy from their fight earlier and from the way she moved and breathed, he could tell she hadn't stopped crying. "Can I see her?"

He shook his head, no. She nodded and leant against the wall, her head resting on his shoulder.

"Do you know yet?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. He could feel himself getting frustrated again. She was nearly close to tears. How could she have any more tears? The noise of her breathing, of her questions was getting to him. Couldn't she tell he needed silence? He needed peace? He wanted to be alone. The only reason he had asked her here, into his special place, was because Summer had wanted her there. And if there was a chance she might open her eyes again, she would want to be there and she would want her to be there.

The door to Summer's room opened and Dr Roberts walked slowly out. He saw Marissa and Seth standing in silence, their eyes fixated upon the door and he briefly closed his eyes.

"Seth, Marissa," he spoke. "Would you like to come into my office?"

"No," Marissa said, shaking her head. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"I'm sorry," the doctor said, putting it simply. What else could he say?

"No," Marissa said again. "I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to see her eyes one more time. I didn't get to hear her voice."

"There was nothing we could do," Dr. Roberts said calmly.

"Don't say it," Marissa whispered fiercely. She looked up at him and she glared. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it."

"It's true," Seth said. Tears hadn't even sprung to his eyes. He felt empty. He saw Marissa gape at him, her own tears flowing freely.

"Seth, what are you talking about?" she said, her voice shrill. "She's dead, don't you get it?"

"Yes, I get it!" he shouted back. "And it's true, they couldn't do anything. She was the one that gave up. She was the one that left us."

Marissa said nothing more. Seth looked at the doctor and at her. He saw the grief in Marissa's eyes and the pity in Dr Roberts and he felt sick to his stomach. He had to get out of there. He walked away and out of the hospital to the nearest bench where he collapsed. His body felt dead. He was exhausted and he was lost.

How could she do this to him? He would never have done this to her, ever. Where had her courage gone? Her fighting spirit? She could have held on just a little longer, fought a little longer but no. She had never given up before, that just wasn't a Summer thing to do. She held on steadfast and didn't let go. She clothed herself in bright orange, in green, yellow, pink. In rainbows and fluoro and tie-dye. She fought and she lived and she loved and she gave and she took and she lived. Most of all she lived. And even more, she stayed.

But this morning when she woke up, she hadn't put on a bright yellow singlet under her pyjamas, she hadn't tied a golden ribbon in her hair, she hadn't pasted a bright red mouth on. She wasn't clothed in her courage and she'd let go.

She had left him.

--

**A/N: **I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am crying right now because I feel so bad. I feel horrible and I know you're all going to kill me but I had to do it. I would think so much less of myself. Oh, please don't kill me. I am really sorry.

Ok, so I know you all hate me and I'm sorry but it was what I had to do. I don't know if I'm 100 impressed with the way that last scene went but I'm so exhausted, I can't bring myself to care. I just hope you guys thought it was ok and I hope you'll continue to read it. I have to say **Riley313, adambrody10, pinkdigi**- you guys are pretty intuitive. You picked it up. I didn't want her death to be overly dramatic and I thought the whole getting to say goodbye to the whole family and seeing them one last time, while romantic, was a little cliché and a little overdone. To everyone who reviewed last chapter, thanks! Hope to hear from you again. sorry there isn't individual replies. I have to get this chapter up pretty quick and I'm too exhausted. Next chapter, I promise. Please still love me. ;) Gen xxox


	21. Eventually

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** So I did it. Wow. Review replies at the bottom. Sorry for the long wait. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

**Chapter Twenty:** Eventually

It shouldn't have happened like that. Her death. It shouldn't have been quiet. She shouldn't have just slipped away like that. There should have been blood, guts, sirens. Not incessant beeps. Not the doctor's running in and shoving him out. Not a sense of calm and quiet. There should have been no peace. There should have been no quiet. It should have been chaos. It should have been-

Marissa came up to Seth and interrupted his thinking.

"Seth?" she asked tentatively as she placed a hand on his back. "Everyone was just wondering if you were ready to leave."

"Sure," he said, his face blank. His voice was, as was the norm lately, emotionless. He stayed standing in his spot, staring at Emily's empty cot. "Where's Emily?"

"Sandy took her to the car already," Marissa told him, giving him a strange look. Seth had carefully handed his precious newborn daughter over to Sandy just minutes before.

"He did?" Seth asked, ignoring Marissa's look or not noticing, she couldn't tell. he was in a funk, one that she could completely understand and was in actual fact jealous of. She resented him for being Summer's husband. He was allowed that privilege, of being allowed to just tune out of everything for a while and do nothing but nurse his broken heart. She was a mother, a wife. She had responsibilities. She wasn't allowed that luxury but oh, how she wanted it!

"Yes, Seth," she snapped slightly. The wounded look on his face made her cringe and she hated herself for not only acting that way but for thinking that way too. He had just lost everything he held dear and that meant that he had a right to be like this, to feel like this. She sighed and bent her head down for a nanosecond before raising her guilty and pleading eyes to him. "I'm so sorry, Seth. I guess I'm just tired and overwhelmed. The way she-"

He stopped. She stopped. She swallowed. He didn't flinch.

"What do you mean the way she…?" he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He didn't need to. She knew.

"She didn't exactly go in her sleep," Marissa pointed out, as she steered Seth out the door. She wore an expression that combined confusion and determination with a little bit of grief worry and sympathy thrown in on her face. She was determined to get her and Seth out of the hospital and to get him back to normal.

"What are you talking about?" he said, stopping in his tracks. Marissa walked a few feet before realizing he'd stopped. She turned around and opened her mouth before closing it.

"Let's just get you home, ok?" she said finally, grabbing his arm and leading him towards the front doors. They walked wordlessly together in utter silence. There steps were in sync and they could feel people's eyes on them. Newport's elite were all here having their required monthly check ins with drug and alcohol counselors, plastic surgeons and the like. They had made it a ritual to always book in together so afterwards they could go out and celebrate with bottles of champagne and a spot of cocaine. Summer couldn't have picked a worse day to die. The group watched wordlessly as Marissa and Seth left the hospital together, their eyes red and swollen.

"We're going to be the topic of the month," Marissa said, as they exited though the gleaming glass doors. Seth didn't say anything as he walked towards the parked Jeep. Kirsten caught Marissa's eye and threw a questioning look towards her son. Marissa shrugged and looked away to find her own car. Ryan pulled up behind the Cohen's Jeep in a dark blue Porsche. Marissa caught Kirsten's eye again. "We'll meet you back at your place. I just have to drop Lexie off at my Dad's first."

"K, honey," Kirsten replied, watching as Seth silently crawled into the backseat. Sandy offered him a sympathetic smile before climbing into the driver's seat. "We'll see you there."

Marissa waved at Sandy and then softly at Seth before climbing into the front seat next to her husband. She automatically leant over and kissed Ryan on the lips.

"Eww," Alexis shrieked from the backseat, covering her eyes. "Mummy, that's gross!"

"One day you're going to feel the same way about someone," Marissa said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't say that," Ryan said, in mock aghast. "Don't teach my baby bad things like that. Lex, if any guy wants to do that to you, you tell Daddy and he'll take care of it."

"Silly Daddy," Lexie laughed. "You can't take care of him."

Marissa rolled her eyes before turning up the radio and switching the speakers to the backseat so that Alexis would be occupied until they reached her father's house. She loved her daughter but her best friend had died and she wasn't exactly in the mood to banter with her child. Ryan's hand rested on Marissa's leg as the pulled up to a red light. She instinctively turned to him and offered him a sad smile.

"You ok?" he asked, brushing her cheek with his hand. She tilted her head so the side of her face rested in his hand briefly. He patted her cheek again and ran a finger down her nose before his hand came to rest on the steering wheel and he peeled away from the traffic lights and towards Jimmy's.

"I'm more worried about Seth at the moment," she answered honestly. "I mean, yes, my heart is broken and I'm devastated but it's almost like for the last six months, I've just been waiting for this moment to happen and now that it's happened, I can cry and then get over it. And it will take time, but I will. I don't mean that I'll forget her or that it'll stop hurting because it won't but I mean, eventually, it wont be the focus of my every thought. But that won't happen for Seth. Her death will occupy him for the rest of his life. It will be the basis of every decision he makes, every idea he has, every thought that crosses his mind."

"I know," Ryan agreed. "But you knew that would happen. And I'm not saying it's wrong to be concerned because it is. I'm telling you, he isn't going to want your help. He isn't even going to want to see us for awhile."

"You're so smart," Marissa said, rolling her eyes. Ryan didn't need to look at her to know that tears were welling up in her eyes again or that she felt guilty that she was able to joke with her husband when their entire world had just stopped. "If it was you, Ry, I don't know what I'd do."

"Riss, I'm not going to leave you anytime soon." That was all he had time to say. That was all he needed to say.

They pulled into Jimmy's driveway and honked three times. Lexie let herself out of the car and went around to her mother's side first.

"Why are you crying, Mummy? Because of Summer?" she asked, kissing Marissa's tear-sodden cheek.

"Yes, baby," Marissa said, returning the kiss. "I love you, baby. Be good for Grandpa. And call Grandma's if anything goes wrong, k?"

"K, Mummy," Lexie chimed. "Love you too. And stop crying, Mummy. It makes me sad when you do."

She skipped around to her father's side and repeated the same goodbye routine they had performed since she was younger. Jimmy stuck his head in Marissa's window.

"Thanks for looking after her, Dad," she said.

"anytime," he replied. He kissed her cheek and then pulled back and brushed a stray hair behind her ear. "I'm so sorry, kiddo."

"Thanks," she said, her voice barely a whisper. It was practically a breath. Jimmy waved at Ryan who lifted a hand in greeting.

"So, pick her up whenever you want," he said. He hit the side of the car lightly and stepped away. "Give Seth my condolences."

Marissa nodded and waved as Ryan reversed and made his way towards his teenage home.

"Ryan," Marissa said, suddenly. "There's something else I need to tell you."

"What?" he asked, in concern. "About who?"

"Seth," she said. "For starters, he completely forgot that Sandy had already taken her to the car and then we were talking about how Summer… you know… and it seemed like he'd forgotten. I even said to him, 'it's not like she went in her sleep.'"

"Oh, Marissa," Ryan said, chastising her slightly for her momentary lack of tact.

"I know it wasn't the best thing to say but he just looked at me weirdly and said, 'What do you mean?' Ryan, I don't think he remembers how Summer died."

"How could he forget?"

"Maybe he's suffering from traumatic amnesia or maybe he's just blocked it out, I don't know. Maybe he's even pretending that's how it happened. Again, I don't know but it scares me," she told him in a quick burst. Her voice grew desperate towards the end. "I can handle him walking around like his world's fallen apart but this scares me. He's not going to go to a psychologist. I just don't know what to do."

"I think he remembers," Ryan said, sounding like an old pro. "He's trying to forget it. it's like he's built a wall around those few hours of his life."

"Then we just have to-"

"Let him work around it," Ryan interjected quickly. He saw Marissa's shocked face and he shook his head, not backing down. "I know he's your friend but Seth is my brother and I know that if we push him, it'll make it worse. He might even run away again. He's capable of anything. We have to let him work through this himself or he'll resent us. I know you know that."

"How can we do that, Ryan?" she asked, breaking into a new flood of tears. He pulled the car into the Cohen's driveway and turned the engine off before pulling Marissa into his arms. Her pain ate into him and he found himself crying. He wasn't crying for Summer. He knew from experience that when people died, you didn't cry for them, you cried for yourself and for the people around you who had to live without that person.

This would almost be worse for them than not having Summer around. Watching Seth walk through his haze of pain and possibly self-destruction and not being able to do a thing to help, not being able to lift an inch of the pain. Eventually, he would come to them. Eventually, they could heal him. Eventually, they would heal themselves. But for now, husband and wife sat together, hugging awkwardly over the console of the car, sobbing for themselves and for their friends. There was nothing else they could do.

--

**A/N:** After re-reading it, I think that my author's note last chapter was a little dramatic but I wasn't sure how people would react. As a few people have said, it would have been a cop out if she hadn't died. Wow. just re-reading that sentence has shown me how real this story has come. When my friend died nearly two years ago, for ages after, we referred to her as 'she' or 'her' because using her name was too painful. I couldn't write Summer just then. How weird! I just wanted to take the opportunity to say thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed this. It means the world and I am very very grateful. I don't know how many more chapters this story will have but be assured, this isn't the end.

**Clara:** Yes, she was based on Bailey, lol. I wasn't sure if anyone would pick up on that but it turns out you did. What can I say? Australians rock! Thanks so much for your comments, sweetie. I guess you could say I've had my fair share of grief and I have no problem telling people anything so that's probably why I write it so well. And your story already does that to me so I cant see why the next chapter won't. I'm waiting for it! Thanks again. xxox

**Lil Aussie Alias Chick:** I think you signed off on a different and shorter name once but I cant find that review so until then it's a long name for you. OMG! ALIAS IS COMING BACK SOMETIME THIS MONTH! I was screaming and yelling and quite frankly, genuinely over the moon. It's sick, how happy I was. Thanks so much for my review, btw. xxox

**Yelly-belly:** First of all, how is your friend? I really hope she's able to hang on just a little bit longer. That would mean so much to everyone. Believe me, I know. Sweetie, I'm sorry in a way that you lost it. I mean, I'm quite honoured that you cried at my work but I cant get it into my head that it's not me that makes people cry, its my writing, lol. Since you've turned out to good at predicting before, I'll tell you this. This chapter Seth is ok with Emily but soon he won't want her around. By the way, I'm really glad you like my story and thanks for the continued support.

**Paige-fan:** First of all, thanks for your continuing support and reviews. I completely understand your viewpoint. I will say this but, it was written like that for a reason (and I don't mean to be under dramatic.) Just read next chapter and, tell me honestly if you're still disappointed. I have alluded to the fact that Summer's death wasn't actually as simple as just falling asleep and not waking up.

**adambrody10:** You know how you can't believe it happened? I can't believe I wrote it and yet, I did. I guess it had to happen. As everyone keeps saying, it would be a cop out if I hadn't but it's going to be hard writing without her. Thanks for the reviews!

'**Yes, I am evil… oh well!':** Or should I say Sarcastic? By far the most interesting and bizarre review I've ever received. My question is this, why should I leave you a question?

**Sarah:** I'm sorry but she can't come back. it doesn't work like that. It will be weird without her but, won't it? I promise there'll still be banter. You will survive!

**pink-digi:** Aren't you sweet? I hope I do go places, lol. And I'm both honoured and upset that I reduced you to tears but mostly honoured because you say it's the first fic that's done so.

**Riley313:** Omega. There is no way that he ever would remarry and no way that I will write it. I told yelly-belly this but I'm telling you too. Seth does love Emily and he wants her around now but the time will come when he won't want her there. He will come back around eventually. Swear. It's funny. I have the last chapter planned, I just don't know how I'm going to get there.

**Ansy Pansy aka Panz: **Aren't you a clever clogs? There was indeed a gap but I guess now you can see why. I was actually quite surprised someone mentioned that but glad. I was hoping people would.

**Mernie:** I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I tell you what, I'll try and think of a happy story and I'll write it and we'll see if you're forgiveness comes quicker.

**ukbabes:** No words? Oh dear. As I said, I agree, it does feel empty without her but that's what losing someone you love makes you feel like. We'll just have to suffer through it too.

**Somebody's Dark Angel:** Yeah, the title did make it obvious, didn't it? I thought it would but apparently not.

**Dsmooth321:** Was that an angry review or shocked? Either way, sorry, but it had to happen.


	22. Whisper Until They Hear

**The O.C**

**A Life Half Lived**

**A/N:** Ok. This is it. I have been racking my brains for what to do next and I had about a hundred ideas running through my head but that's not what the story wants. It wants to end so this is the last chapter. I know I promised some other things but they aren't working for me and so I don't ruin the story, I think this is the best thing to do. I will be doing a stand alone chapter about Seth and Emily in the future which may turn into a sequel so look out for that. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

**Thanks: **I want to thank each and every person who took the time to review this story. A thank you does go out to those who read it but to those who took the time to review, you get a special thank you for taking the time to tell this story how it affected you or whether you loved it or hated it. Thanks for inspiring me to keep on going!

A special thanks to **Clara**,(**Carebear Stare** who writes the most amazing stories- **Rapunzel** is one of the best on this site and believe me, I don't lie) who inspired me for this chapter without even realizing it. You're a doll and you're an amazing writer. Thanks so much for your reviews. xxox

Another special thanks to **yelly-belly**. Your review made me want to cry. I am so honoured that you keep reading this story even though it must be hell and I'm proud that my words touch you so deeply. I am so thankful that you are so honest in your reviews and I am also thankful that you have stayed with this story even though you could have given up. I hope your friend is hanging on and I pray that she will hang on for longer. Thank you so much for everything!

**pink-digi:** There you are. You know how she died now! Hope it was an ok death. Thanks so much for the support you've given me!

**Lil Aussie Alias Chick:** Hmm. It's August and unless I've missed it, there's no Alias. Channel Seven are crap and are liars. Bastards. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your reviews. They kept me amused and I loved getting them.

**kursk:** If I ever continue this story, I promise there will be more banter. Thank you so, so much for your support. I don't think there has been a chapter you haven't reviewed and it means a lot.

**Dogsbody:** I thought people would think she was being selfish but I happen to know for a fact that she was being realistic. And it's true that she couldn't wallow because she needed to look after everyone else. I just feel bad for her. and as you'll see in this chapter, she did go to her grave clinging for life.

**Paige-fan:** My note to you a few chapters ago was stupid. it wasn't the actual death that you were disappointed in, it was the way it was written. I feel kind of silly. I just wanted to thank you so much for your support and your reviews.

**carry-me-around:** A late reviewer but you're words meant a lot. I'm glad you like this and thanks for taking the time to review.

**Summary:** "I don't look sick. I am sick."

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

_Italics_ represent either Summer's P.O.V. or flashbacks.

**Chapter Twenty-One:** Whisper Until They Hear

_Summer watched from behind as the black clothed backs stood, heads bowed, gazing down into the deep hole that would hold her body. She choked back a sob as she watched them grieve for her._

_"I'm not dead. I'm here. I'm alive," she tried to scream as she watched Kirsten break down next to Sandy. She yelled at them but her voice made no sound, made no impact on them. She walked up to them and touched their backs, feeling them shiver under her touch. They tilted their heads and discreetly looked at each other. Summer worked herself in between Seth and Ryan and ran a hand over Emily's face. She stared at Seth, willing him to see her. She whispered to him but he did not flinch. "Seth? Can you hear me? Seth?"_

_There was no answer._

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to commit Summer to you today," the priest intoned. His voice was calm and even. His face betrayed no emotion. This was just part of his job. It wasn't a part he particularly liked, but it was what he did. Marissa listened to the words he spoke and found herself spiraling out of control.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" Kirsten whispered, glancing over at her daughter in-law. She wiped the tears off her face and turned to a paling and shaking Marissa.

"This isn't right," Marissa whispered, her eyes going blank and dull. "We shouldn't be burying her. She should be at home with her husband and her little girl."

"I know," Kirsten whispered back, again reeling in the injustice of the situation. They lapsed back into silence as the minister continued. The words that were meant to comfort and soothe Marissa simply angered her. She was about to open her mouth again when she felt a large, warm hand place itself on her back. She glanced across Kirsten and blinked at Sandy. She wanted to mouth thank you that he had stopped her from creating a big scene but she couldn't make her mouth move. She wanted to be allowed to be angry. She wanted to be allowed to scream. She and Sandy continued to look at each other until Kirsten leaned slightly forwards, blocking their view.

The minister continued to babble on as the five stood, dressed in black, unparallel to the guests that stood behind them in their suffering. Their silhouettes left a grave impression on all who saw. They way they stood, they way their heads were bent, they way they paid no-one no attention to anything but whatever was running through their head showed just how deeply their grief was affecting them.

Emily cried and Seth turned around to hand her to The Nana, unable to give comfort to anyone but himself as he watched the minister sprinkle the sand that represented ashes and dust on his wife's mahogany coffin.

"Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust," he said, his voice laden with nothing but tiredness. Seth felt the blood rush to his face and his heart start to beat as a memory flashed across his mind. Why had he blanked this out? And why had he remembered it now. Yes, the voice had haunted him in his dreams. The way she said his name, the way she screamed. He'd never seen the pictures before. Never linked the sound and the images in his mind. And now he had, he wished he hadn't.

_"Seth," she gasps, her eyes fluttering open as she gaped for air. He presses the emergency button on the bed next to her, his fingers clenching it so it gives an unrelentless drone. "It hurts. It hurts so bad."_

_"What hurts?" he asks, his mouth trembling._

_"Everything," she whispers, letting out a low moan. He wants to block his ears._

_"It's ok. The doctors will come. They'll fix this," he says, his fingers letting go off the button and tracing her face. She screams again and her body doubles over. He lifts her up and notices the blood trickling from her mouth, the blood seeping up through the sheets. He wrenches the sheet off her and lets out a yell. "You've been bleeding."_

_She begins to cry in shock and in pain and it's everything he can do not to break down himself._

_"Where is the doctor?" he yells, shooting off the bed. He runs to the door and opens it, looking up and down the hall desperately. Summer gives another scream and he rushes back to her side._

_"Don't… leave… me," she gasps, taking pained and laboured breaths between each word._

_"I'm not going to leave you," he whispers, taking her hand in his. Her fingers, bony and fragile, are almost unrecognizable to him. he somehow manages to lean over and brush her cheek with his lips as she squeezes her eyes shut._

_"But I'm going to leave you," she whispers, clenching his hand._

_"Don't say that," he whispers, his voice breaking. A sob escapes his throat and he whimpers, "Don't say that."_

_"I don't want too," she says, as another sharp, stab of pain runs the whole length of her body. "But I can't hang on anymore. It's killing me."_

_The irony of her statement is not lost on him but he knows she's not trying to be funny._

_"Just try," he pleads as her eyes bulge open. She manages to take one deep breath and exhales in his face. He barely feels it. She is clinging to him, her fighting spirit taking over. He sees herself willing herself to live, willing her body not to break down._

_"I just want you to be okay," she whimpers, tears running down her face. He can see she is getting tired and he lowers her body back onto the pillows. Their hands are laced together and they are both crying, knowing this is the end. "And Emily."_

_"I want you to be okay," he cries back._

_"I will be," she sobs. "I will be."_

_The door is flung open and a team of six concerned and harried doctors and nurses fill the room. Seth leans over and kisses Summer's forehead, knowing he will not be allowed to stay for this. he smiles at her through his tears and she smiles at him through her pain._

_"I love you," he mouths, drinking every little inch of her in._

_"I love you too," she mouths, before convulsing in pain._

_He feels the bile rise in his throat as he is shooed from the room and not for the first time, he wants to throw up. He wants to purge all of this out of him. the whole experience. He wants it gone._

_And when she is gone, he ceases to be anything more than a shell of himself. He chokes down the meals that Kirsten places in front of him. Everything tastes the same these days. He would have eaten her cooking and not even flinched. Everything was automatic. He is given food. He eats. He is shown his bedroom door. He sleeps. Emily is placed in his arms. He feeds her. He burps her. He changes her. She is the single ray of light in an otherwise bleak, depressing and lonely day._

Seth looked out at the thankfully dwindling line of black-clad mourners who waited to walk past Summer's submerged coffin to place a pink rose on her coffin. Some of the mourners simply left and retreated to the safety of their cars before driving towards the Nichol estate where the wake would be held. The majority, however, continued on to where the five stood a short distance away from the hole to hug them or cry with them or give them their condolences.

A woman dressed in light pink and black caught his eyes and he felt his calm and detached aura begin to fade. He had begun the day determined not to break down and had avoided his loved ones, knowing he couldn't lie to them. Seth instinctively knew he had to get away. He knew he could not lie to his family and he knew he could not lie to her, he could simply pretend and while his family would let him, she would not. He knew if he broke down now, that would be it for him. He would not get back up. She offered him a tear-filled smile and he gazed blankly back, willing himself not to feel.

He turned to Marissa and whispered that he needed a break. She pulled him into a slow hug, their cheeks pressing together before nodding and prodding him away. Seth looked back at her briefly wondering how her cheek could still be make-up smooth or how her red lipstick was still perfectly applied. He had to admit she looked good in her conservative funeral wear. The simple black skirt-suit she wore gave her an aura of togetherness and sophistication. The simple string of pears had been clasped on by Julie to liven the outfit up a little. The black pillbox hat with face-covering veil was there not to be fashionable but to cover her grief-ridden eyes. She had done that for everyone else, knowing that if people looked into her eyes, it would kill them because she was also dead.

She in turn, turned to Ryan and Sandy who were standing next to each other in black suits. The sensible approach to hours of standing and forcing smiles onto their faces as people who barely knew them, who barely knew Summer, came up and cried to them and told them how much she'd be missed. They knew how much she'd be missed. They would miss her. Marissa stretched her black pump encased foot wishing, not for the first time today, that there were more sensible shoes to go with black funeral suits. She looked over at Kirsten's tiny black shift dress encased frame. She made her way over to where Kirsten sat, looking blankly out over the ocean. A small sob made her shudder as Marissa approached.

"Hey, baby," Kirsten said, wiping the tears quickly away. Marissa sat down next to her and leant her head on her shoulder. She felt the tears drip from Kirsten's face onto her own and she sat up, gently pushing Kirsten's own head onto her shoulder.

"Kirsten, we don't need you to be strong for us anymore," she whispered, her own eyes cast unmoving out to the sea. She felt numb, emotionless and she thought for the time being, it was a good thing to feel. "I need you to cry. I need you to grieve."

Kirsten gave another shudder and began to sob, allowing all the emotions that had been boiling under the surface to breakthrough. Sandy and Ryan willed themselves not to run straight over to the pair. They continued to greet people and tuck their commiseration away in their head simply so Kirsten, Seth and Marissa wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. The sooner they got this all done, they sooner they could take them away and race them to the safety of home.

_Summer sat between Kirsten and Marissa. She kissed the tears away from Kirsten's face and blew onto Marissa's emotionless face. It killed her seeing them like that. It killed her knowing she had caused it. She whispered to them both before catching a glimpse of Seth. He was standing by himself near a tree. A lone figure dressed in pair of simple black pants and a pink boucle jacket walked up to him. Summer smiled to see that Anna had dressed conservatively for her funeral. She made her way over to them, eager to see what Seth would do when in the presence of one of his oldest friends._

_Anna placed a hand lightly on Seth's back and said something to him in a low voice before walking around to stand in front of him. His face crumpled as she kept talking to him, whispering. It was her words that hit closest and truest to the heart because he knows she is sincere, he knows she means what she says._

_Summer's walked quietly through the last stragglers that were talking in hushed tones to Ryan and Sandy. Her flimsy white dress trailed behind her as she clambered over the grass and towards her husband. She reached them in time to see Anna slip her arms around Seth's back and to watch him rest his head on her shoulder and began to cry._

_"You know she loved you," Anna whispered. "And you know I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm here for you, if you need me. I know everyone keeps saying it but I am here for you."_

_"It's true," Summer whispered to her husband. "She will be here for you. One day, you'll love her as much as you love me."_

_But the love would be different. Anna would be a friend to her husband, his escape when he found it to hard to handle his family or his daughter. They would never be anything else but he would need her and he would mourn her too, when she was dead._

_Summer smiled at her husband and at Anna. Seth pulled away from Anna and wiped the tears away from his eyes. Summer quickly ran between them and kissed her husband on the cheek before darting back over to Sandy and Ryan. She stood next to them and listened to what the last person had to say about her._

"She was just the most beautiful person I knew," the voice said. "And I'm going to miss her very much."

"So will we," Sandy said, shaking the man's hand. Ryan shook his hand as well before glancing at the priest.

"I think we're ready," Ryan said to the priest who nodded and walked a safe distance away. Ryan went over to bring Marissa and Kirsten back to the grave. Sandy walked purposefully over to Anna and Seth who were talking, heads bent together. She heard Sandy asking if Anna wanted to stay and say a final goodbye to Summer but she heard Anna decline, stipulating that this moment should be for family. She pecked Seth on the cheek and told him they would talk soon before hugging Sandy.

_Watching Seth as he leant on Sandy and Kirsten as she leant her full weight on Ryan broke Summer's heart. She needed to tell them not to cry for her. She needed to tell them she loved them and that she was aright. She wanted to tell them she was not worth all this fuss but she knew it would fall on deaf ears so her best option was to try and get them to say goodbye to her and let her go now. She had yelled at them, right in their faces but they would not hear her._

_Summer tried again as the five stood alone in the graveyard, staring into the hole that will now house her. One of them whispered a prayer as they stood, hand in hand, this time allowing tears to drip down their faces._

_No one could hear her but she couldn't give up. She tried again and she yelled and screamed and cried until her voice was hoarse and her throat hurt but she could not give up. She knew eventually they would hear it so she whispered, before she was wrested away from them again._

_"I love you all. Good bye."_

_Perfect timing. Sandy finished his prayer and they all whispered 'Amen.' Sandy and Ryan found themselves whispering goodbye. Kirsten found herself sobbing it. Seth found himself mouthing it and Marissa whispered it._

_Summer felt like a weight had been pulled off her shoulders. She let a single tear slip down a pale white face and hit the ground as she walked around them and touched their faces one last time. Marissa saw the drops on the ground as Summer stood in front of her and she lifted her head slightly, looking up at the sky. There was another plop. There was no rain. Marissa shivered. And they both smiled._

**The End.**


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